Well, I Voted Today...

And I feel like throwing up.

I took advantage of the 'no excuse' early voting that they have in North Carolina. Drove down to the local election bureau in Wilson. No problem, right downtown, easy parking, line was out the door, but it's a small building. The wait was short - maybe 30 minutes.

Once inside, I could see what some of the problem must have been in Florida. The place was awash with old people. Creaky old smelly wrinkled people. Nice ones, friendly, but hair growing out of their noses and ears and lots of medical devices from recent surgeries sticking out of them at various angles and not really able to comprehend what they were supposed to do to get their ballots or what to do with them once they got their ballots. Just kinda of a nice wandering sea of confusion, being gently guided by the nice people who worked there, who patiently answered the same questions about eleventy-dozen times, such as "Where do I vote for President? I just want to vote for President!" Some of them had not brought any identification with them, or they wanted to wax poetic about Roosevelt, "Now THERE was a President, dad gum it!" I just tried to dodge the aluminum canes they swung around every so often to emphasize a point and keep my place in line.

I could not make up my mind on President, so I went on down the line, voting for ever buddy else. It was fairly easy - where there was a Libertarian candidate, I voted for him or her. Where there was only a Republican and a Democrat, I voted for the Republican. On some races, like for District Judge, where the candidates were non-partisan, I didn't cast a vote, because I'm still new enough to North Carolina that I don't know what these judges stand for or against. On the various referendum questions that would modify the North Carolina constitution, I just voted 'no' on all of them.

Then I came back to the question of President and Vice President of the United States.

Hmmm.

Tick-tock.

Can't vote for Kerry & Edwards - that's right out. Kerry, despite his duck-shooting display during the race, would do his level best to take my right to keep and bear arms away. Call me a one-issue voter, that's ok. Can't and won't vote for him on that basis, and that's the end of it. You who read this - spare me your diatribe about me wanting to shoot people or how the government doesn't really want my guns. Been there, argued that, got the high blood pressure to show for it. Point is, I own guns, I'm going to continue to own guns, and I'm not giving them up, ever. I will never vote for a Democrat on that basis alone. And yes, I *do* believe the Democrats want to make the Second Amendment go away.

Argh. Do I vote for Bush & Cheney? What if Vice-President Cheney were really Lon Chaney? That would be cool. OK, stop daydreaming. Back to work.

Hmm. There is a Libertarian ticket listed - Badnarik and Campagna. Sounds like 'champagne'. That's weird. Maybe I should vote for them, I'm a registered Libertarian, after all. I have no idea what they stand for. Who cares, they're not Bush or Kerry, and probably have no idea how to be real big-time crooks yet. Give them time.

Ah, but wait. They can't win. Sorry, but they can't. I know, I know, it is because of people like me that they can't win. Right, but it's still true that they can't win.

I don't see any Green Party. No Nader, either. Just Bush/Kerry/Badnarik from whom to choose. I could write something in. Maybe Nikita Kruschev. Pibgorn. Bucky Katt. PJ O'Rourke. Giant dogs, landing on my face. No wait, I'm getting out of control again. Did I say that out loud?

So. If I vote for Badnarik and Campagna, I am throwing my vote away. Bush won last time in Florida by what, 12 votes and a dirty sock puppet? What if Kerry pulls it out this time - on MY tossed-away vote? I'd like Kerry as president a LOT less than I'd like Bush. But I don't want either one. Dang.

I remember what happened when I voted for Ross "The Boss" Perot once. Bill Clinton got into office. I can't let THAT happen again. Sorry, it was all my fault, I accept that now.

Tick-Tock.

Oh, man. I hate this. I hate all the candidates. I hate being put in this situation. But I have to vote. Don't I? Don't I?

I finally took a deep breath.

Voted.

For Bush and Cheney.

And now I really do want to throw up. And never stop throwing up. I want to puke until I hear that marble I swallered in the third grade go 'clink' into the bowl. I want to puke until I see daylight outta my arsehole.

The only thing worse than if Bush wins will be if Kerry wins.

In either case, we lose. Oh man, do we lose.

Why don't we just all turn our wallets over to the federal government and take cyanide and get it over with already?

I guess I know what I'm wearing for a Halloween costume. I'm going as a Disgruntled Citizen. Oh wait, that's ever buddy.

Well, have a great weekend. I'm going to get drunk.

Keep Grinning,

Wiggy

Roses, For Whatever That's Worth

I have no idea why I'm posting this. But I like photography, and sometimes I can even see some of the colors - I'm color-blind, but I can see and appreciate nice bright colors sometimes. So I took these photos at the Wilson Rose Garden in Wilson, NC. I like them, but apparently no one else does. So that's why I'm not sure why I'm posting them. Well, like 'em or not, here are a few of them.

Enjoy,

Wiggy

Techno-Juice (TM)

It is with great pleasure that we announce new "Techno-Juice (TM)," the newest and most fascinating audiophile tweak to come on the market in hundreds of years!

This product was created in the laboratory of Doctor Wigwam Jones, certified audio professional. Doctor Jones has been studying the way the human ear hears - and responds to - music since four-thirty last Tuesday, and he has made an ASTOUNDING BREAKTHROUGH, which we are authorized to share with you - and you alone - but first, you must mentally sign this NON-DISCLOSURE-AGREEMENT and return it. Have you done that? Good, then let's proceed. Remember, you can't tell ANYONE of the GREAT SECRETS you are about to learn here.

Let us turn the floor over to that esteemed scientist, Doctor Wigwam Jones:

Hello and Good Afternoon! I would like to begin by speaking to you for a moment about the history of audiophile sound - and the lengths man has gone to make music sound better. You may recall Caveman days. Early man loved to listen to the sounds of nature - a babbling brook, for example, or a charging mastodon. He found that he could enhance this natural listening experience by tying sea shells on to his ears with dried vines to direct more of the sound inside his ears. This worked fine, but often caused ridicule within the caveman group, as such things tend to look very silly. The practice was soon abandoned.

Later, men invented stereo, and it was good. Music was invented to keep musicians employed, since before music all they did was sit around and complain. Well, not that much has changed, eh?

Then came the tube, and it was fine, but people got tired of changing them every hour or so, and they put out a lot of radiation as well.

Then came solid state, and this was fine, except that the pesky Japanese got involved and everything got smaller and smaller, until nobody could see the controls anymore and stereos vanished in thin air. This was during the Eisenhower administration and Twiggy and Tiny Tim. You can see how small everyone was.

Finally, everyone agreed that the real way to make music sound better was to put spiky things on the ends of their speakers - and point them towards the center of the earth. This was because Mount St Helens was messing up the magnetic troposphere and the ley lines were jumping around like a sine wave - I have a chart here somewhere. This was also predicted in an Aztec calendar and I think Nostrodamus said something about it too. I studied with the Dong of Tokyo. Also the oriental Kato.

Then people discovered that if their A/C mains cables had no oxygen in them, they would sound better - and this was true, because everyone knows how bad oxygen sounds - nasty stuff. Well, to breathe with it is ok, I guess, but I mean the stuff gets into everything! We'd be better off if we all breathed helium, I can tell you that. I once lived for a year on pure Nitrous Oxide, and it didn't hurt me one bit - except for that bit of insanity with the fire truck and the school teacher, but we won't talk about that now. Anyway, oxygen angries up the blood, and it has a similar effect on electrons. You don't want angry electrons running through your stereo, brother.

Anyway, that brings us to now.

If your speaker cables are already as thick as your wrist; if you've got a huge pyramid over your house held in place by helicopters day and night; if your turntable is mounted on a concrete foundation that is sunk to solid bedrock, sixty feet under your house; if your loudspeakers are folded horn designs that mount on the side of your house like a giant pair of earmuffs; and you STILL can't hear that great stereo audiophile sound you keep reading about - then get our your wallets - I've got the answer.

The problem, my friends, is not one of equipment. We already have the best minds in the universe working on those problems, and I'm sure that the stuff you smear on the ends of your RCA cables DOES increase your soundstage by 14.4% and make your penis grow 2" everynight while you sleep at the same time. I mean, if they can fake putting a man on the moon, you'd think they could increase soundstage, presence, and penis length at the same time, right? OK.

Nor is the problem with your ears. Hearing aids and sea shells aside, there should be no problem there if you're not Pete Townsend. Sorry, Pete. Bloody irony there, eh?

The problem, my friend, is BETWEEN your ears. Yes, we've tweaked the stereo until our wives want to kill us. They smile and nod when we rattle on about the latest, absolutely-must-have-it audio tweak, but the fact is, if it weren't for the kids that look a bit like you that they have to raise and your life insurance, they'd have your drugged body in a duffle bag and shipped to an Al Quaida hideout in Iraq complete with hacksaw and a dotted-line that says 'cut here' around your neck faster than you can find your penis extension cream, er audio cable cream. She's probably going to drop a net on you pretty damned soon as it is.

So the problem is not the equipment, nor is it our ears. The problem is OUR PERCEPTION. And that's where my new miracle product comes in.

Techno-Juice(TM) is made of 100% scientifically created CnH2n+1OH, an organic compound which consists of hydrocarbon chains terminated by hydroxyl groups. There have been crude approximations of this compound made by man over the centuries, mostly in the highlands of Scotland and in Kentucky and Tennesee, but they drink it over ice and have never given it any specific audio-enhancing qualities. My Techo-Juice (TM) (remember, you can't tell anyone about it), is made in the lab - for audiophiles - and it addresses the last link in the audiophile chain. It is different because I wrote down "It's different." See here? I just wrote that down, it's copyrighted now. How much more scientific can you get?

You sit yourself down in front of your stereo system, see, and you drink this Techno-Juice (TM). Straight or on the rocks, it doesn't matter. What's important is that you get your laughing gear around this as quickly as possible and quaff it down as quickly as you can.

Within a short time, your audio experience will be enhanced beyold belief! You will find tears streaming down your face as you hear "Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring" as if for the very first time. Keep drinking Techno-Juice (TM), there's more coming! Imagine "Puff, the Magic Dragon" - you'll weep for the plight of that rascal, Puff, and you'll swear eternal vengeance on that grotty old Jackie Paper. You find him, and you swear, you'll have him, mate. But your mates, ah, they're the finest, ah, the best, lads in all creation. Never were there truer friends. Never! You'd kill or die for any one of them. Y'hear me, mate? Kill or die. Thass what I said. Have a drink, lads! We're all friends here. I love you, man. Really! Love. Thass right. Oi! What're you looking at? Sod off, bloody piss hole. Where wash I? Oh yesh. Geezers. Or sumfing. Ah, bloody hell! Me mind's gone! Who turned out the lights? Do that again. Oh, I'm on the floor. Hello, floor. Oh gawd, I'm gonna be sick. Yesh, I like Pink Floyd. Which one's Pink? Ha! Bloody funny, that.

When you wake up, you may find that there are side-effects to the high-end audiophile experience you've just undergone. You may have a headache. You may find your wallet and/or clothes have gone missing. Your job may have gone walkabout as well, if you managed to get to a phone and tell your boss what you REALLY thought of him last night. Some have complained of new tattoos and wedding rings that weren't there before they ingested Techno-Juice (TM). This is to be expected. Just keep drinking the stuff. You'll eventually numb up on the inside as well as the outside, and then it won't matter what the music sounds like will it? You'll just pray for death like the rest of us. Now quit blubbing and take it like a man.

Music as it was meant to be enjoyed - from the inside out. Well, to be honest, it's more the case that you won't care that much about the music, but that's point isn't it? Music should be transparent, like it isn't even there. Short of running a red hot knitting needle straight through your medula oblongata, this is as close as it gets! Thanks to the genius of Doctor Wigwam Jones. PhD. And whatever else we can think to stick on the end of his name later.

Remember, that's Techo-Juice (TM)! Order now, don't avoid the rush! And if you order now, we'll personally buy a fine automobile that we'll drive and enjoy at your expense for NO EXTRA CHARGE! Order two, you'll need them when you see your credit card bill, unless you're way to freaking rich, in which case you'll need lots more Techno-Juice (TM)! Astound your friends, baffle your enemies, be the first audiophile on your block to have the sense to order Techno-Juice (TM) for the low, low, price of $1,273.22 per 12-ounce aluminum can or bottle. Here's how to order...