Note to CNN: "Pugnacious" Does Not Mean "Callous"

Oh, Dear Lord.

I pray to thee, Lord. Put some brains into the punkin' haids of those who speak unto us nightly on the TeeVee news. Maketh them to have gone to school and actually studied, and learneth them the freaking English language, if that's not too much to ask. Do this, dear Lord, so that thy humble servant Wigwam might not fly into a dervish frenzy coma stupor or something and wreck up the joint, behaving badly in general and foaming at the mouth like a, like a, uh, a crazy foaming dog thing or something like that.

Maketh them to think before opening their soup-sucks, dear Lord, so that your humble servant Wiggy might not be forceth to hop a plane to Atlanta, run right over to their studios, and stoppeth up their mouths with the socks of unwashed taxi drivers on national TeeVee in front of You and ever buddy.

Amen.

December 28, 2006 CNN Transcript

On December 26th, 2006, former President Ford passed away, and much time was spent discussing his life and legacy. I watched some of it on CNN, as luck would have it.

You know, apparently President Ford had said some fairly strong words about some of his friends and coworkers of years past, and one of the people he had made a comment about was current Vice President Dick Cheney. In the news story I was watching on CNN, it was said that President Ford had called Rumsfeld 'pugnacious'. The news commentator was Rick Sanchez, CNN anchor, speaking to Richard Shenkman, presidential historian. Is that really a job? Where do you apply for something like that?

"Hi, what do you do?"

"I'm a presidential historian."

"Really? How fascinating! Sounds like a fun job."

"Not really. I mean, there's no upward mobility."

"Really? What do you mean?"

"Well, once you're a presidential historian, you've pretty much done mayors, council members, Congresspersons and Governors. Not much left, you know?"

"Oh, I see what you mean. Well, I'm a complete steaming left-footer and I've got a brain stem that gets angried up when I try to think. So they made me a news anchor. Come on over to my TeeVee studio and I'll pretend to listen to you talk."

"OK."

OK, so that didn't really happen, I just imagined it. But what follows DID happen.

I now quote from the CNN transcript:

SANCHEZ: On Dick Cheney, quote, let's take it and put it up on the screen as well. "He was an excellent chief of staff but I think he's become much more pugnacious."

We looked up pugnacious by the way for the benefit of some viewers and it means callous or at least that's one definition of it.

SHENKMAN: Yes, I think pugnacious in this case really means pugilistic. Fighting, he's kind of raw around the edges and he's looking for a fight.

Oh. My. God.

Callous? Callous? Are you freaking kidding me?

First of all, in what world does a news anchor for CNN not know the meaning of a simple english word like 'pugnacious'? Hello - does the word 'pugilist' ring a bell (hint, hint)?

Second of all, think of Dick Cheney. Callous? That's not a word I would think of when I thought of that bulldog. He is a person who loves to brawl. A fighter. A mean old bastard, much like myself, although I am better with a firearm (or am I)?

You looked it up "for the benefit of some viewers?" No, you clown. You looked it up for yourself. And do you know why I know that? Because you got it wrong, you space cadet!

If you're going to insult your viewers (most of whom most likely ARE booger-eatin' morons), then perhaps you might, er, I dunno...GET IT RIGHT!

Dear Lord, please hear my prayer. Take some of that outrageous salary that this man most likely earns - and maketh him to buyeth himself a book. Preferably a dictionary. One that doesn't say that 'pugnacious' means 'callous'. A really big dictionary, oh Lord.

And then, Dear Lord, maketh him to hitteth himself with that tome. Many times.

Amen.

Your Humble Servant,

Wiggy