Techno-Juice (TM)

It is with great pleasure that we announce new "Techno-Juice (TM)," the newest and most fascinating audiophile tweak to come on the market in hundreds of years!

This product was created in the laboratory of Doctor Wigwam Jones, certified audio professional. Doctor Jones has been studying the way the human ear hears - and responds to - music since four-thirty last Tuesday, and he has made an ASTOUNDING BREAKTHROUGH, which we are authorized to share with you - and you alone - but first, you must mentally sign this NON-DISCLOSURE-AGREEMENT and return it. Have you done that? Good, then let's proceed. Remember, you can't tell ANYONE of the GREAT SECRETS you are about to learn here.

Let us turn the floor over to that esteemed scientist, Doctor Wigwam Jones:

Hello and Good Afternoon! I would like to begin by speaking to you for a moment about the history of audiophile sound - and the lengths man has gone to make music sound better. You may recall Caveman days. Early man loved to listen to the sounds of nature - a babbling brook, for example, or a charging mastodon. He found that he could enhance this natural listening experience by tying sea shells on to his ears with dried vines to direct more of the sound inside his ears. This worked fine, but often caused ridicule within the caveman group, as such things tend to look very silly. The practice was soon abandoned.

Later, men invented stereo, and it was good. Music was invented to keep musicians employed, since before music all they did was sit around and complain. Well, not that much has changed, eh?

Then came the tube, and it was fine, but people got tired of changing them every hour or so, and they put out a lot of radiation as well.

Then came solid state, and this was fine, except that the pesky Japanese got involved and everything got smaller and smaller, until nobody could see the controls anymore and stereos vanished in thin air. This was during the Eisenhower administration and Twiggy and Tiny Tim. You can see how small everyone was.

Finally, everyone agreed that the real way to make music sound better was to put spiky things on the ends of their speakers - and point them towards the center of the earth. This was because Mount St Helens was messing up the magnetic troposphere and the ley lines were jumping around like a sine wave - I have a chart here somewhere. This was also predicted in an Aztec calendar and I think Nostrodamus said something about it too. I studied with the Dong of Tokyo. Also the oriental Kato.

Then people discovered that if their A/C mains cables had no oxygen in them, they would sound better - and this was true, because everyone knows how bad oxygen sounds - nasty stuff. Well, to breathe with it is ok, I guess, but I mean the stuff gets into everything! We'd be better off if we all breathed helium, I can tell you that. I once lived for a year on pure Nitrous Oxide, and it didn't hurt me one bit - except for that bit of insanity with the fire truck and the school teacher, but we won't talk about that now. Anyway, oxygen angries up the blood, and it has a similar effect on electrons. You don't want angry electrons running through your stereo, brother.

Anyway, that brings us to now.

If your speaker cables are already as thick as your wrist; if you've got a huge pyramid over your house held in place by helicopters day and night; if your turntable is mounted on a concrete foundation that is sunk to solid bedrock, sixty feet under your house; if your loudspeakers are folded horn designs that mount on the side of your house like a giant pair of earmuffs; and you STILL can't hear that great stereo audiophile sound you keep reading about - then get our your wallets - I've got the answer.

The problem, my friends, is not one of equipment. We already have the best minds in the universe working on those problems, and I'm sure that the stuff you smear on the ends of your RCA cables DOES increase your soundstage by 14.4% and make your penis grow 2" everynight while you sleep at the same time. I mean, if they can fake putting a man on the moon, you'd think they could increase soundstage, presence, and penis length at the same time, right? OK.

Nor is the problem with your ears. Hearing aids and sea shells aside, there should be no problem there if you're not Pete Townsend. Sorry, Pete. Bloody irony there, eh?

The problem, my friend, is BETWEEN your ears. Yes, we've tweaked the stereo until our wives want to kill us. They smile and nod when we rattle on about the latest, absolutely-must-have-it audio tweak, but the fact is, if it weren't for the kids that look a bit like you that they have to raise and your life insurance, they'd have your drugged body in a duffle bag and shipped to an Al Quaida hideout in Iraq complete with hacksaw and a dotted-line that says 'cut here' around your neck faster than you can find your penis extension cream, er audio cable cream. She's probably going to drop a net on you pretty damned soon as it is.

So the problem is not the equipment, nor is it our ears. The problem is OUR PERCEPTION. And that's where my new miracle product comes in.

Techno-Juice(TM) is made of 100% scientifically created CnH2n+1OH, an organic compound which consists of hydrocarbon chains terminated by hydroxyl groups. There have been crude approximations of this compound made by man over the centuries, mostly in the highlands of Scotland and in Kentucky and Tennesee, but they drink it over ice and have never given it any specific audio-enhancing qualities. My Techo-Juice (TM) (remember, you can't tell anyone about it), is made in the lab - for audiophiles - and it addresses the last link in the audiophile chain. It is different because I wrote down "It's different." See here? I just wrote that down, it's copyrighted now. How much more scientific can you get?

You sit yourself down in front of your stereo system, see, and you drink this Techno-Juice (TM). Straight or on the rocks, it doesn't matter. What's important is that you get your laughing gear around this as quickly as possible and quaff it down as quickly as you can.

Within a short time, your audio experience will be enhanced beyold belief! You will find tears streaming down your face as you hear "Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring" as if for the very first time. Keep drinking Techno-Juice (TM), there's more coming! Imagine "Puff, the Magic Dragon" - you'll weep for the plight of that rascal, Puff, and you'll swear eternal vengeance on that grotty old Jackie Paper. You find him, and you swear, you'll have him, mate. But your mates, ah, they're the finest, ah, the best, lads in all creation. Never were there truer friends. Never! You'd kill or die for any one of them. Y'hear me, mate? Kill or die. Thass what I said. Have a drink, lads! We're all friends here. I love you, man. Really! Love. Thass right. Oi! What're you looking at? Sod off, bloody piss hole. Where wash I? Oh yesh. Geezers. Or sumfing. Ah, bloody hell! Me mind's gone! Who turned out the lights? Do that again. Oh, I'm on the floor. Hello, floor. Oh gawd, I'm gonna be sick. Yesh, I like Pink Floyd. Which one's Pink? Ha! Bloody funny, that.

When you wake up, you may find that there are side-effects to the high-end audiophile experience you've just undergone. You may have a headache. You may find your wallet and/or clothes have gone missing. Your job may have gone walkabout as well, if you managed to get to a phone and tell your boss what you REALLY thought of him last night. Some have complained of new tattoos and wedding rings that weren't there before they ingested Techno-Juice (TM). This is to be expected. Just keep drinking the stuff. You'll eventually numb up on the inside as well as the outside, and then it won't matter what the music sounds like will it? You'll just pray for death like the rest of us. Now quit blubbing and take it like a man.

Music as it was meant to be enjoyed - from the inside out. Well, to be honest, it's more the case that you won't care that much about the music, but that's point isn't it? Music should be transparent, like it isn't even there. Short of running a red hot knitting needle straight through your medula oblongata, this is as close as it gets! Thanks to the genius of Doctor Wigwam Jones. PhD. And whatever else we can think to stick on the end of his name later.

Remember, that's Techo-Juice (TM)! Order now, don't avoid the rush! And if you order now, we'll personally buy a fine automobile that we'll drive and enjoy at your expense for NO EXTRA CHARGE! Order two, you'll need them when you see your credit card bill, unless you're way to freaking rich, in which case you'll need lots more Techno-Juice (TM)! Astound your friends, baffle your enemies, be the first audiophile on your block to have the sense to order Techno-Juice (TM) for the low, low, price of $1,273.22 per 12-ounce aluminum can or bottle. Here's how to order...