Happy Anniversary, Mrs. Jones

It is a pity we are not together in North Carolina today, but we are together in spirit. Five years and it seems like yesterday. I love you, Mrs. Wiggy.

Note to CNN: "Pugnacious" Does Not Mean "Callous"

Oh, Dear Lord.

I pray to thee, Lord. Put some brains into the punkin' haids of those who speak unto us nightly on the TeeVee news. Maketh them to have gone to school and actually studied, and learneth them the freaking English language, if that's not too much to ask. Do this, dear Lord, so that thy humble servant Wigwam might not fly into a dervish frenzy coma stupor or something and wreck up the joint, behaving badly in general and foaming at the mouth like a, like a, uh, a crazy foaming dog thing or something like that.

Maketh them to think before opening their soup-sucks, dear Lord, so that your humble servant Wiggy might not be forceth to hop a plane to Atlanta, run right over to their studios, and stoppeth up their mouths with the socks of unwashed taxi drivers on national TeeVee in front of You and ever buddy.

Amen.

December 28, 2006 CNN Transcript

On December 26th, 2006, former President Ford passed away, and much time was spent discussing his life and legacy. I watched some of it on CNN, as luck would have it.

You know, apparently President Ford had said some fairly strong words about some of his friends and coworkers of years past, and one of the people he had made a comment about was current Vice President Dick Cheney. In the news story I was watching on CNN, it was said that President Ford had called Rumsfeld 'pugnacious'. The news commentator was Rick Sanchez, CNN anchor, speaking to Richard Shenkman, presidential historian. Is that really a job? Where do you apply for something like that?

"Hi, what do you do?"

"I'm a presidential historian."

"Really? How fascinating! Sounds like a fun job."

"Not really. I mean, there's no upward mobility."

"Really? What do you mean?"

"Well, once you're a presidential historian, you've pretty much done mayors, council members, Congresspersons and Governors. Not much left, you know?"

"Oh, I see what you mean. Well, I'm a complete steaming left-footer and I've got a brain stem that gets angried up when I try to think. So they made me a news anchor. Come on over to my TeeVee studio and I'll pretend to listen to you talk."

"OK."

OK, so that didn't really happen, I just imagined it. But what follows DID happen.

I now quote from the CNN transcript:

SANCHEZ: On Dick Cheney, quote, let's take it and put it up on the screen as well. "He was an excellent chief of staff but I think he's become much more pugnacious."

We looked up pugnacious by the way for the benefit of some viewers and it means callous or at least that's one definition of it.

SHENKMAN: Yes, I think pugnacious in this case really means pugilistic. Fighting, he's kind of raw around the edges and he's looking for a fight.

Oh. My. God.

Callous? Callous? Are you freaking kidding me?

First of all, in what world does a news anchor for CNN not know the meaning of a simple english word like 'pugnacious'? Hello - does the word 'pugilist' ring a bell (hint, hint)?

Second of all, think of Dick Cheney. Callous? That's not a word I would think of when I thought of that bulldog. He is a person who loves to brawl. A fighter. A mean old bastard, much like myself, although I am better with a firearm (or am I)?

You looked it up "for the benefit of some viewers?" No, you clown. You looked it up for yourself. And do you know why I know that? Because you got it wrong, you space cadet!

If you're going to insult your viewers (most of whom most likely ARE booger-eatin' morons), then perhaps you might, er, I dunno...GET IT RIGHT!

Dear Lord, please hear my prayer. Take some of that outrageous salary that this man most likely earns - and maketh him to buyeth himself a book. Preferably a dictionary. One that doesn't say that 'pugnacious' means 'callous'. A really big dictionary, oh Lord.

And then, Dear Lord, maketh him to hitteth himself with that tome. Many times.

Amen.

Your Humble Servant,

Wiggy

Sometimes, Spam Can Be Art...

I admit, not often. But this one, this one was special:

Subject: Maxine Do away with all you owe not even sending another dollar

Select legal counsel have found a mistake in the laws of the banking
system. Using waht we found we were successfu1 at entirely eliminating
peop1es creditcarddebt with out them having to pay one more dime. We know
that our firm can do this for you also.

Please contact us-
1_561_282_9476

info or to cease getting or to look at postal address


I think not. Come down here! Come down, or I'll shoot! shouted the fellow,
flourishing his revolver

Fishes are not animals, and they are as cold and moist as the vegetables
themselves. Rob was afraid he would; so, to avoid accidents, he pointed the
tube at him and pressed the button

Poetic, isn't it? Fishes are not animals? I never knew that. And to avoid accidents, well, you should point the tube (I wonder what tube he means - suspense!) and press the button. Yes. Surely the best thing to do in any situation.

I only wish I could write prose like that. Maybe some day, little droogies. Maybe someday.

Come Down, or I'll Shoot!

Wiggy

The Hijacked eBay Account Scam For Morons

IMPORTANT NOTE: THIS IS ONLY FOR MORONS This blog entry is intended for morons only. If you are not a moron, read it for entertainment value, but realize that I am not calling *you* a moron. If you *are* a moron, then enjoy the abuse I feel strangely compelled to heap upon you. Why do I do this - help you and insult you at the same time? Because a) I want to make the world a better place, but b) I'm a mean old bastard. So there.

HOW DO I KNOW IF I AM A MORON? Brother, if you're asking yourself that, welcome to Moronville, population; you.

SO HERE WE GO!

See, eBay is a pretty cool place in general. You can buy things there, you can sell things there. Everybody knows what eBay is, everywhere in the world.

And most people are honest. Buyers and sellers, people just want to sell their crap or buy some different crap, and they don't really spend a lot of time thinking about how they can trick their fellow human being out of a buck or two.

But there are dishonest people out there. They send spam email. They do phony blog responses. And they run fraudulent eBay auctions. If you let them, they'll take a big chunk of your money away.

Fortunately, most scammers are not only stupid, they're lazy as well. They don't spend a lot of time thinking up ways to cheat you - no, they use the same way over and over and over again, until it is finally beat to death, and then they move on to the next scam. And you stand there with your wallet open, being ripped off over and over again, because let's face it, you're not too bright either. Why do I say such terrible things? Because if you weren't pretty much a mouth-breathing idiot, with a dash of larceny in your heart, I would not get spam email for penis enlargers, baldness cures, diet pills, and phony stock tips. If no one bought this crap, no one would send it. Simple. So I blame you.

And if no one were taken in by stupid lazy scammers on eBay, I would not constantly see these hijacked eBay accounts used to hype non-existent items that you are going to bid on and lose your money again.

And I'm getting tired of it, my friends. So since you're so damned stupid, I've decided to wise you up a little. Consider this a freebie. You're welcome.

THE TYPICAL EBAY SCAM - THE ONE DAY AUCTION

You find this auction because you're the kind of person who knows how to use the 'search' function on eBay, and perhaps you even have some saved searches, and you see some item that makes your skeevy little heart go pitter-pat.

The first thing that attracts you to this auction is the low price. Ah, no reserve price, either! And look, only a few hours to go on this auction! You click on the link to take a closer look...you fool, you.



Now, there are a number of things wrong with this auction, and I'm going to show you what they are. Feel free to take notes or something.

1. This item is mislisted. You are looking at a widget, but it is listed in the non-widget category on eBay. Why? Your first thought is that the seller made a mistake. This is exactly what they want you to think, you larcenous little frog, you. See, this makes you think 'bargain' and gets your pulse to racing. You begin to suspend what little common sense you have. Do sellers ever make mistakes and mis-list items? Sure. But wait, there's more.
2. This item has no reserve price. Usually, it is a fairly high-priced item, and very often, sellers of such items (especially new ones) place a reserve price on it. So why no reserve? Do sellers ever list things without a reserve? Sure they do; but when a professional eBay seller is listing a brand-new and expensive item on eBay, they protect their investment with a reserve or a high minimum bid. Again, this is to get you reacting instead of thinking. Not a big deal by itself, but there is more.
3. One-Day Auction. How do we know it is a one-day auction? Well, eBay used to say right on the auction how long the auction was for, but not anymore. But note - always, less than 24 hours to go on the auction. If you found it with a saved search that emails you the result, how is it that you didn't find out about it until now? Because it is a one-day auction, that's how.
4. Seller has 100% positive feedback. Oh, wait. That's supposed to be a Good Thing, isn't it? Sure it is. But again, wait for it. I'll explain more later.
5. Seller wants you to use an alternate method of contacting them. OK, this should be the absolute flashing red light - the sirens should go off in your head, all paranoid flags should start flying. If you fall for this, you're a complete moron.
   

First, eBay says NOT to do this. It is against eBay policy, but you never read that, did you? You clicked and SAID you did when you got your eBay account, but you have no idea what you read or what you agreed to.

But why is this such a game-over, no-brainer, clue-by-four to the head?

Ask yourself with your few remaining brain cells after all those games of 'quarters' you played in college, hoping to get laid by some nearly-passed-out sorority girl named 'Sonya.' WHY would a seller want you to contact them by means OTHER THAN the eBay method?

In the past, some scammers took the time to invent a story, which they would post on their listing, as to why their eBay frustrations were so high, they just could not trust their eBay contact methods anymore, so please, Mister Decent Honest Nice-Guy, wouldn't you please just contact them at their freebie throw-away email address? Now, they don't even bother. It's a numbers game - they don't bother trying to convince the semi-suspicious. They just want the absolute morons, so no explanation.

I could go on - there are other clues here too. Not as obvious, not as important, but they are here if you're interested. Briefly:

• Throwaway email address is some incomprehensible string of letters and numbers. Don't most people try to pick an email address that resembles their name or 'handle' in some way? Sure they do. This is randomly generated.
• Text for item description is cut-n-pasted from manufacturer's website. Scammer seldom takes the time to write anything original. If it looks like typical ad copy, it is. Some scammers will try to fake original writing - if you search, you'll find they lifted it from some legitimate seller's auction.
• Item photo is often a stock photo from the manufacturer's website or is lifted outright from a legitimate seller's auction. Right-click on the image and see where it came from.

Now, let's go on. Your humiliation, er, I mean education is not yet complete, grasshopper.

DUE DILIGENCE

Once we find an auction we want to bid on, common wisdom tells us to do some homework on the seller, yes? After all, that's what those 'feedback' ratings are there for. And look, 100% positive, right? WOW! But wait, there's more. And it's all bad. But that's good; for us, anyway. Bad for the scammer.

• Check the seller's feedbacks. Looks good, right? Wrong. It's all wrong. The feedback listed is all from SELLERS. That means that our seller is typically an eBay BUYER not a SELLER. Warning sign number one.
• Check the seller's feedbacks as a seller. Oh look:

One sale in the past. And not that recently, either. Warning sign number two.

• Now check the seller's other items for sale. Whoops!

Funny how all the auctions all of a sudden. Funny how they all have the same starting bid. Funny how they're all mislisted in the wrong categories (if we clicked on them to check, that is). Funny how they all have less than 24 hours left in their auctions. Yes, it's all very funny. HAHAHAHAHA. Problem is, the joke's on you, my friend.

SO, THE AUCTION IS FAKE. FINE. WHAT DO I DO NOW?

Here's what a decent and honorable person who doesn't want other people to get ripped off would do. I have no idea what YOU will do.



First, scroll down to the bottom of the auction listing and click on "Report This Item."



Choose as seen above.



And tell them what I just explained to you. You don't have to go into detail. eBay will get the auction removed pronto - they know what's up. And you'll have done a good deed, by preventing others from seeing this auction and the others associated with this scammer and losing their money thereby. Don't you feel good about that?

THE EXPOSE: HOW DID THIS HAPPEN TO BEGIN WITH?

First of all, the scammer needed an ebay account to use, one that had good feedback and hopefully lots of it. So they went phishing.

See 'phishing'

You probably have gotten these emails from time to time. You get an email that appears to be from eBay. It tells you (often in bad English, duh) that your account has been suspended for some B.S. reason, and click here to fix it. Well, when you do, you get sent to a web page in Romania or some such place that LOOKS like an eBay web page, and you are asked to enter your eBay user name and password. You do, and you get a message saying all is well now. You forget all about it.

But the scammer now has your login name and password, and you just lost your eBay account. The first thing they do is change the password, so now YOU can't get in. And while you're scratching your head over that and trying to figure out how to get in touch with eBay since you can't seem to login, the scammer goes to work, using your account.

Most scams like this have an element of the con-game in them. You saw "The Sting," didn't you? Well if you didn't, go rent it and watch it. Con-artists depend upon some basic human psychology - one of them being the larceny people have in their hearts. We're all greedy, selfish, and willing to take advantage of another person to some extent - don't bother denying it, we all have it in us, it's in our nature. Con-Artists play on that.

So, they created a whole bunch of attractive-looking auctions, set up a throw-away freebie email account, and got ready to rake in the bucks.

They know that you're greedy and selfish. So they know that when you see an auction for some much-desired widget mislisted, you're going to sit up and pay attention. After all, if you're the only one who notices, you might get it for a great price! And if there is no reserve, why so much the better! And look, only 17 more hours to go! You can snipe this baby and won't you be proud!

Many at this point won't even be reading the item text or the strange requirements that the scammer has to contact them at their freebie account. They won't read it, or they won't pay attention to the warning signs.

No, you chowderheads will sit up late at night, finger poised over the 'Bid Now' button, waiting anxiously for the steal of a lifetime. And you're about to get it.

When the auction is over and you've 'won', then you try to pay via Paypal, only to find out that the scammer is not allowing Paypal. And no credit cards, either. Nope, this seller, who is suddenly located in some distant country, wants a direct wire-transfer to their bank account, which they send to you.

AND YOU DO IT. Because you're a moron of epic proportions.

And then you wait for your item. Which will never arrive. Because you've been played, suckah.

But now you know how to avoid this evilness. Thanks to your ol' pal, Wiggy.

You're welcome.

Smooches,

Wiggy

Last Chapter of the "Getting Fired" Episode

So, I figured I better finish this off - we're about two months late now, and I've got some catching up to do. Where were we?

Oh yes. So I got fired, had me a big ol' mess of southern-fried depression with a side order of Catholic Guilt and my very own recipe for self-loathing for desert, got by with a little help from friends, and Mrs. Wiggy and I decided that the best course of action might not be to try to find a job-type job right away, but to perhaps try out some contracting for awhile, to give us maximum flexibility. We wanted to keep the house for the time being, but still needed some income. Fight one battle at a time, as it were.

This unfortunately left some hard choices. There aren't too many huge companies in Wilson, NC. In fact, only one that used the software that I'd been trained in. The product costs a bunch, so only really big companies can afford it. My choices were limited in North Carolina. So I had to cast a wider net.

Turned out that there was a contract job awaiting me - one I was tailor-made for, in the sense that I could do what they needed done. Problem was, it was in Detroit.

Well, beggars can't be choosers, can they? Since Dobby had been given a sock by the old employer, it was time to seek new stockingwear holders elsewhere. I called, sent a resume, we talked. Did the drug test, had a background check, and that was it; I was hired. Six month contract in the Motor City.

I knew I would need a place to stay in Detroit - this contract was strictly an hourly wage - no overtime, no expenses. So I had to come up with a place to kip and cook. Looked around, found a house with a room to let in Royal Oak, Michigan - a suburb of Detroit. Just a block or so off the downtown area, this is a pretty nice neighborhood, rent is reasonable, and a short drive to work every day.


Who knew? If I had been asked to imagine myself at 45, married, living in small southern town in a house with Mrs. Wiggy, her mom, two psychotic Dogs of the Apocalypse, three odd little cats, getting the sack, finding work in Detroit and going to live in a flophouse whilst my dearest kept hearth and home together in Dixie, why I'd have said you were mad. People write songs about crap like this. Well. Imagine that. And me a songwriter.

It's a damned good thing my life is so strange. Otherwise, I'd be so normal, I couldn't stand myself. It's exciting being me. Sometimes not fun, but always exciting. Just don't stand too close - stuff tends to happen in my general vicinity. If you were standing next to anyone else and said "Say, that fellow's pants just exploded," that person would say "What's that Wiggy gone and done now?" If you were standing next to me, I'd look down to see what I had done to cause it. Hijinks, my droogies. Hijinks.

And that, my little droogies, is the conclusion of the chapter of my life entitled "Someone Cut The Rope," by Wigwam Jones. But life deals us these little setbacks, and we move on. Or in my case, to Detroit.

New Year's Resolutions

OK, so here we go - no particular order, just as they came to me:

1) Lose weight. Like 80 pounds. But I'll be happy if I can drop 50.

2) Relearn how to write in cursive. I tried to do it the other day, and I was both shocked and dismayed to find that not only is my handwriting atrocious, I've even forgotten how to make some of the letters. This issue came up when I heard a news story that they're not going to teach cursive handwriting (we used to call it 'penmanship' in my day). Seems like something I ought to do.

3) Esperanto. I have been toying around with it. I think it is something worthwhile. I probably won't be able to find much in the way of resources around here in Detroit, but I'll look around. Maybe some tapes or something. Why Esperanto? Well, I have no idea. So there you go.

4) Dancing. I can't. I want to. Ballroom style, not the Hustle or the Locomotion or whatever these dang fool kids get up to nowadays. Might tie into #1. Don't tell Mrs. Wiggy.

5) Get my photo files in order. I'm serious - this is terrible. I've got hard drives, CD's DVD's, and negatives all over the bloody place. No organization at all.

6) Get my teeth fixed. Man, they're getting to be a problem. It's not like I don't brush, dadnabbit.

7) Do more writing. Blog, journal, and just generally jotting down all kinds of things.

Now, I don't really go in for New Year's resolutions. I have no idea why I'm doing this one.

So on with the show. Happy New Year, my droogies. Let me know what your resolutions are - we'll all get together and humiliate each other next year at this time.

Smooches,

Wiggy

Wiggy New Year

Just a quick note to say Happy New Year to all my little droogies. Hope all is going well and you're having fun and staying healthy. Myself, I'm back in chilly Michigan after a brief trip to Cape Cod to visit Mrs. Wiggy's relatives and then down to NC to annoy the dogs and cats for a couple days.

Overheard in hallway today...

"Hey, Beldar! That new design you worked on during the Christmas shutdown? Well, the brass saw your proposal this morning. Looks like you gnarfled the garthog. How's that 401(k) looking?"

"The brass? The brass? They ought to call them the Army of Dorkness."

Smooches,

Wiggy