Chips Enlarged to Show Texture

It has been a busy last couple of weeks. I broke my toe. Ow.

But I didn't want to talk about that. I wanted to talk about Kelly, the Frito Lay virtual representative.

I was offered a chip today. From a bag of chips. Which were from Frito Lay, one of my favorite companies, because they make Nacho Cheese flavored Doritos. They used to make Nacho Cheese flavored Tostitos, which I liked better, but they don't do that anymore. Like Fresca before it was diet-only, I miss the old days.

Anyway. My coworker noticed that in VERY FAINT LETTERS on the front of the bag are the words "Chips Enlarged to Show Texture." I can only presume that they mean the photograph of the chips on the bag itself are bigger on the bag than they are once you get inside the bag. Well, of course. Everybody knows that. In fact, if they wanted to show a picture of what's inside the bag, they'd have to show a photo of mostly a big much of air, because 75% of the damned thing is just that.

Remember when they used to try to get away with it by saying that the package was shipped full, but 'some settling may have occurred?' Well, they don't even bother with that fiction anymore. They just ship a nearly empty big bag and charge you up the wazoo. Then you sit at home in your shorts eating the whole damned thing and you think you're the fattest person who ever walked the earth. Well, that might just be me.

Anyway.

So, intrigued, I went to Frito Lay's website. Remarkably fancrapulous. Boring. Nothing going on there, I can tell you.

But they do have this cool Eliza.

What's an Eliza, you ask?

Eliza was an early attempt at Artificial Intelligence, based on parsing questions and providing canned responses that made it appear you were talking to the machine. The responses were always framed as questions, so it fooled a lot of people. That's one of the aspects of a 'Turing Test', which is the test that supposedly will show when a computer program is successful at fooling people into thinking it is a person.

Here's Frito Lay's Eliza:

http://www.fritolay.com/fl/flstore/cgi-bin/faq.htm?

Sadly, it's not a very good Eliza, but she can be amusing. So I got to work on the poor girl, of course:

Hi, my name is Kelly. I'm a Virtual Representative.

Hi, Kelly!

Hi there. I hope all goes well. Please ask me some questions.

Well, ok. Here goes. Do you have a favorite color?

I can tell you. Frito-Lay's line of Natural products contain no artificial colors or flavors, no GMOs (genetically modified organisms), no hydrogenated oils or trans fats, no irradiated seasoning, and no MSG. Frito-Lay products are fried in expeller-pressed (not chemically-extracted) sunflower oil. Also, we use sea salt, which has no added chemical flow agents. To check out Frito-Lay's Natural line of products, please click on the web page that I've displayed.

Wow, that was neat. Do you have a boyfriend?

Sorry, I don't understand what you are asking, please call our toll-free number at 1-800-352-4477 between 9:00 a.m. and 4:30 p.m. Central Time, Monday - Friday so that we may talk with you in person.

I'm sorry, I should not have said anything. I'm married anyway.

I really appreciate your wanting to share your suggestion with us, but we do not accept ideas for legal reasons. We do not want any misunderstandings over the origin of an idea such as yours. Frito-Lay's Marketing teams are responsible for developing all new advertisements and promotions.

Can I have some free stuff?

I appreciate your interest, but we cannot accommodate requests for free items. If you want to be notified via email about Frito-Lay products and promotions, you can sign up for "Club Frito-Lay" on the web-page that I have displayed.

OK, then. Do you know who played "Lumpy" on Leave it to Beaver?

I am able to provide information on Frito-Lay products and services in the United States.

Do you want to vote for Hillary Clinton in the next election?

I really appreciate your wanting to share your suggestion with us, but we do not accept ideas for legal reasons. We do not want any misunderstandings over the origin of an idea such as yours. Frito-Lay's Marketing teams are responsible for developing all new advertisements and promotions.

What kind of salsa should I serve with white wine?

For more information, please look at the links I've displayed.

Can't you just tell me?

I really appreciate your wanting to share your suggestion with us, but we do not accept ideas for legal reasons. We do not want any misunderstandings over the origin of an idea such as yours. Frito-Lay's Marketing teams are responsible for developing all new advertisements and promotions.

I won't tell anyone!

There are many different types of snack companies that are our competitors. We offer a wide variety of products from LAY'S®, RUFFLES®, GRANDMA'S® Cookies, etc. We believe that Frito-Lay products are in a class of their own which is why we invite people to take the "Betcha can't eat just one" Challenge and let you decide!

Goodbye, then.

Would you like a transcript of our conversation?

Can I have an autograph too?

I really appreciate your wanting to share your suggestion with us, but we do not accept ideas for legal reasons. We do not want any misunderstandings over the origin of an idea such as yours. Frito-Lay's Marketing teams are responsible for developing all new advertisements and promotions.

Oh, OK. Just give me the transcript, please.

Okay, here's a transcript of our conversation.
USER:: (Web ACCEPT CONNECTION)
Kelly :: Hi, my name is Kelly. I'm a Virtual Representative.

And on that note, I have to get back to work. My brain is enlarged - to show texture.

Smooches,

Wiggy