Like the Back of My Hand

People say "I know that like I know the back of my hand."

What's that supposed to mean? I don't know the back of my hand that well. Do you?

I mean, what do you do with the back of your hand? Well, if you have kids...No, Wiggy, don't go there...

I don't know the back of my hand very well at all. I am even less well-acquainted with my toes, not having seen them for close to a decade now. I'm pretty sure they're still down there, but other than that... I mean, I had to ask Mrs. Wiggy what color belt I was wearing this morning - since I didn't want to take it off and look at it. Besides, I'm color-blind. Fat lotta good that would have done. Ah, gravity gets me in the crinklies again.

But still, the back of my hand is pretty much terra incognita. Now, the front of my hand, that I know. I pick things up all the time. I hold a lot of things in my hand which are important to me, and therefore I know the front of my hand quite well.

You know, car keys, my wallet, things like that. I dunno, what were you thinking? You sick little monkey.

You'd think that it was the back of our hands that separates us from the animals. "Well, folks, it's like this. We have backs on our hands, and other creatures don't. That's what makes us unique, special, and totally in control of the universe." Yes, forget all about that opposable thumb business, it is the backs of our hands that make us special. Why, without the backs of our hands, could we have discovered fire? Invented the wheel? Made cave paintings? Invented taxation and all human suffering at the same time? Well, yes, frankly.

But without the backs of our hands, silent film stars of the early 1900's would not have had something to press against their foreheads to convey angst, ennui, shock, dismay, and horror. And then where would we be? Who knew that a simple patch of skin, otherwise so devoid of actual usefulness that it doesn't even have a special name (like 'face' or 'palm' or 'beer belly') could be so important to us that we use it as a euphemism to describe something we know really, really, well?

I'm not going to say that I know something 'like the back of my hand' anymore, unless it is to explain that I don't know whatever it is very well at all.

Now I need something to replace that hackneyed old phrase with. A little help?

Today's' word: defenestrate - to throw a person out a window. Who knew that there was an actual word for that? Who thinks these things up? Who played "Lumpy" in 'Leave it to Beaver'? Why do I have the theme song from the TV Western "Paladin" stuck in my punkin' haid?

NOTE: By the way - the spellcheck wanted me to replace 'punkin haid' with 'penguin Haiti', which I think is just fine. From now on, that big melon on my shoulders that I keep my hat on is my penguin Haiti. So there.

Remember, you're unique - just like everybody else.

Keep Your Stick on the Ice,

Wiggy