Working For My Wealth

Well, with regard to the email I got last week informing me of the incredible good fortune heading my way, I got a reply from Barr.John Addas. He seems to be a very intelligent and well-spoken man, and I feel I should give him my full trust and confidence. He wrote:

Dear Wigwam Jones,

Thanks you a million times for your swift response to my proposal. However, I considered it very important that I have to fully clarify you better on this project so that you will have full knowledge of this whole transaction and to enable you assist and act as the next of kin to my late client, ENGR. KEARNEY. C. JONES.

I know that I can't paint pictures enough with words especially when I know that what I am presenting to you about my late client, ENGR. KEARNEY. C. JONES, is as sure as broad daylight. In the midst of water, the fools are thirsty but fools can stumble to wealth. Nothing is impossible under the sun. Please do not in anyway misintepret or misunderstand my main point of view in this paragraph because I have just made a reference point which is an idiomatic expression.

Actually, it's not important if you are related to my deceased client or not, but the most important thing here is the last name which is the same with that of my late client that makes it very convincing and real to portray and front you as the next of kin to my deceased client, ENGR. KEARNEY. C. JONES.

After searching for the real family or acquintance for over one year without success, then I decided to search for the extended family via the internet web directory that bears the same last name hence I contacted you, because this bank he deposited this amount of USD $14,500,000.00 before his untimely death wants to declare his account unserviceable and confiscate it. So this is why I contacted you to seek for your great assistance and full cooperation in this projection.

I will send you all the neccessary genuine legal documents and informations
regarding this transaction because being his lawyer, I know how to go about it legally and legitimately. Now, I want to front you and forward your informations to this bank holding this funds as the next of kin to the deceased hence you have this same last name (JONES) with him.

You don't have to be afraid of anything because everything concerning this transaction is perfectly arranged and ready to be activated and it is 100% Risk and hitch free. I will give you 40% of USD$14,500,000.00 (Fourtheen Million, Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars Only), at the end of this transaction, 5% of the total sum will be set aside to take care of any incidental expenses that we may incurre in running this transaction, while 55% will be for me. But what is requested of you here is nothing but your Total trust, Sincerity and for you to act according to the instructions that I will be giving you throughout this transaction.

In fact, I would appreciate you to keep this very transaction at high degree of confidentiality untill this money is transfered into the account that you will provide for this transaction. Right now, I want you to send me your telephone and fax numbers, as well as your full home address.

On the receipt of your reply indicating your sincere willingness to assist me in this transaction, I will use the name to prepare all the legal documents that I will need to file your name with the bank as the next of kin to my late client. Once your name has been presented to the bank, I will send across to him a copy of text of application letter which you will retype, fill and have it faxed directly to the director of foreign operations in the bank for approval, which is the most important aspect of this transaction, and once the application is approved the rest will be easy.

Moreso, I will state in the application, the account number of my deceased client and banking particulars to the dormant account. I will be waiting to hear from you as regards to this issue. This is very important, if you want us to achieve and champion this beneficial goal.

Please carefully read this mail to enable you understand the whole proceedures we have to follow because I may not like to explain this again as time is of great essence as we can be able to complete and conclude this transaction in 14 bank working days depending how fast and urgent we file in this application in this bank in your favour.

And again, bear in mind that time is of great essence and feel very free to call me always on this phone 00228-926-6483.

My profound regards to your family and I expect to get a swift reply from you to enable me draft this application and send it to you so that you can forward it immediately to this bank holding this fund. Please contact me ASAP to enable us commence on this transaction because time is of great essence.

Thanks for your understanding

Yours Truely,
Barr. John Addas.
+228-926-6483.

There is no doubt that this type of correspondence requires an immediate response! You can't let that kind of money just sit around, you must act! The man is obviously learned, as he said that he had, "just made a reference point which is an idiomatic expression." Now where are you gonna get great learnin' like that?

Besides, he thanksed me a million times. That's a lot.

Unfortunately, he also said "In fact, I would appreciate you to keep this very transaction at high degree of confidentiality untill this money is transfered into the account that you will provide for this transaction." Well, I'm going to have to ask all of you to keep this to yourselves, ok? I don't want to go and ruin my chance to become a gozillionaire.

What's more, this fella has a bit of a temper! He said "I may not like to explain this again as time is of great essence as we can be able to complete and conclude this transaction in 14 bank working days depending how fast and urgent we file in this application in this bank in your favour." Well, Jiminy Crickets, how touchy can you get? Fortunately, I don't think I'll need another explanation, and I think I can give him what he needs.

I therefore wrote back:

Dear Barr. John:

Thank you so much for your rapid reply! I realize that you did not know this, but the JONES family name is very unusual in the United States. We are all originally from Lower Slobovia, and we came here to America after the Great Turnip Drought of 1884. Everyone with the JONES surname is related in some way, although we have lost touch with many of our relatives. Which is strange, since we all share one kidney. Thus, I presume that KEARNEY C. JONES was a relative of mine in some way, perhaps a cousin or a debutante, which we call here an 'oven-mitt' relative. Although we did not know him, my wife and I definitely felt a great disturbance in the Force on the day he and his family perished. I have had his family's name inscribed on our moss-covered, three-handled family credenza, and I'll have a codpiece made in his honor to wear proudly on Gelatin-Squeezing Day.

Tell me, do you know if your client had a large proboscis? This has been a hallmark of the JONES family for generations, and we are all quite fond of our tools. Generally, when a man of the family passes away, he has his proboscis bronzed and placed on display in the local Town Hall for all to see. There is a presentation of a small plaque by the Mayor or the Town Executioner and a small ceremony, and everyone sings the Oscar Meyer song and has cake. When my father passed away, the players tried to take the field, but the marching band refused to yield. We sang dirges in the dark and were content with that.

Of course the terms are more than acceptable to me - it is a great relief to find that you are so honest and hardworking. Here in the United States, attorneys (which I presume are like barristers where you live) are all Satan Worshippers and Butt Hunchers and they always take at least 80% of the money they recover from the estates of dead relatives, which they proceed to spend on demon powder and insect parts. They have skeevy little hearts and truly, they drink the blood of infants. My heart feels like a weasel!

I therefore assure you of my fidelity and attention to detail, nothing shall go amiss on my end! You have my complete instigation, and as you said, "fools are thirsty." And I am very, very, thirsty! But there is water in the Porcelain Throne of El Guapo, so we shall be content.

You have asked for my telephone and fax numbers, and here they are. I ask for your complete confidentiality, as they are unlisted and I do not usually give them out via email. I am making this exception just for you:

(919) 662-4500 home phone
(703) 482-1739 fax phone

I am somewhat deaf, so when you call me, I shall have to ask you to speak quite loudly and clearly. In fact, you can shout if you like. And I think it might be best if we use code names. I'll call myself "Uncle Sam" and you call yourself "Al Kada". When you call, please shout into the phone "Hey, Uncle Sam, this is Al Kada calling!" If I am not there, please make sure you shout "I have a message for Uncle Sam from Al Kada." Make sure you stay on the phone no matter what you hear, because there may be some trouble on the line. It is common for my phone to emit clicks and buzzes, so ignore those and just remain on the line for as long as you can until I pick up. My time is important too, just like yours is, so remember your fine words, "I may not like to explain this again!"

You also asked for my mailing address, and here it is:

WIGWAM JONES
3320 Garner Road
Raleigh, NC 27626-0500

I must also tell you in the strictest confidence that I have hoovered my midsection and found it devoid of quatloos. There is therefore nothing to be gained by delay! So let it be written, so let it be done! We shall march onward together, spleen to spleen, as Rotundarian men of Big Bootays!

Look Ma, No Cavities,

WIGWAM JONES

I did make one tiny little mistake, though. The phone number and address are for the North Carolina Bureau of Investigation - oopsie! The fax number is for the CIA. Well, I'm sure it will all work out for the best. I'm practically counting my money now.

More as events unfold...

Smooches,

Wiggy - the soon-to-be-filthy-rich