The Five Stages of Voting

The Five Stages of Voting

I got this from reading the ironically late Elizabeth Kubler-Ross' much-publicized "Five Stages of Dying," with a little twist of my own for the current elections.

Denial and Isolation: Oh, Dear God! This cannot be happening. We did NOT nominate George W. Bush and John Kerry as Republican and Democratic nominees to the office of the Presidency. Tell me this was just a bad dream? There is no way that the American public, despite many accusations to the contrary, could be that stupid. I am the only person who understands how colossally evil, wicked, and bad this is. Nobody else 'gets it'? Oh, come on! A loving God would NEVER permit us to have to make this hideous choice!

Anger: I am so mad, I could just burst into flames spontaneously. Seeing either one of their smarmy, smug, 'punch me' faces on TV evokes a visceral reaction in me. I want to track down every person who ever cast a ballot for either of them and smack them until they cry for their mommas. Oh wait, that includes me. Oh well, me too, then. Grrr.

Bargaining: OK, just let Kerry win then, and that way the evil bad Hillary Clinton will never become President, because
Kerry will run for re-election in 2008 and she won't run against her own party, and she'll be too old in 2012, not to mention the fact that by the time Kerry gets through with America in 8 years there won't be anything left to steal, we'll all be fully equalized - meaning we won't have a pot to piss in. Or let Bush win, he's about as crazy as anyone I've ever seen who hasn't been tracked down and had a net dropped over him and shot up with about 1,000 milligrams of Thorazine. I mean, this guy is just whacko loony scary bad crazy. He gets re-elected and he's bound to do SOMETHING so incredibly illustrative of his insanity that we all just kinda look at each other, shrug, and have him quietly go away like Spiro Agnew. Nattering nabobs of negativism, indeed.

Depression: No matter what happens, we're screwed. I mean bad. We're going to get it right in the kisser. Civil rights, hah! All gone, buddy boy. The Republicans win, we have Patriot Act II to make breathing without a license illegal and have RFID chips implanted in our left arms. The Democrats win, we have the end of traditional marriage, no more gun rights, and RFID chips implated in our left arms. No matter WHO wins, we lose.

Acceptance: Ah, to hell with it. As long as Budweiser is still on the shelf at the local grocery store and I have enough money left over after taxes to pay for it, I don't care what they do. Get on with it, already!

And there you have it - the Five Stages of Voting. We're all in the same boat, and that boat is not only taking on water, it is on fire at the same time. The good news is that the flooding will put out the fire. The bad news is that the flooding will put out the fire. Get out the marshmellows, my friends. Strike up the band. Turn out the lights, the party is definitely over.

"Folks, this is your Captain speaking. All of our engines are on fire and we're a thousand miles from the nearest airport. Nobody has a parachute and we're all pretty much done for. Smoke 'em if ya got 'em...we're going down. I've got a carton of Camel unfiltereds up here, I'll see ya on the ground. Click." - loosely adapted from a Denis Leary rant.

See You On The Other Side...

Wiggy