New bird survives hungry Filipinos

Now I don't generally comment upon news stories in this here blog, but I felt compelled to speak up after reading this story about the recently-discovered flightless bird found in the Philippines.

New bird survives hungry Filipinos

August 17 2004 at 11:22AM

Manila - A new species of flightless bird has been discovered living on a tiny island in the northern Philippines where the inhabitants formerly ate them, scientists and birdwatchers said on Tuesday.

Now here's the thing. Or at least, one of the things. You see, the unfortunate bird had already been 'discovered', just not by special bird scientists. It had been discovered to be tasty by locals. Yum, yum. And a flightless bird? It just makes sense. Go for the 'low-hanging fruit', as they say.

Islanders said the bird was known as "piding" and that they had even caught it for food in the past but they were unaware it was a previously unclassified species, according to Oliveros.

"Oh," said the ignorant savages inhabiting their own island, "We didn't know you smart westerners had not yet discovered our birds. Imagine that, we were eating an unclassified bird. We're so embarrassed! From now on, we'll check with you smart types before we consume any natural resources in case you haven't gotten around to discovering them yet. By the way, could you discover our bathrooms, please? We have to go."

"Piding," by the way, means "Stupid slow-moving lunch" in the local dialect.

Oliveros said the expedition gave the bird the scientific name of Gallirallus calayanensis because they wanted its island habitat to get more attention.

No doubt what the island really needs is a group of scientist, diplomats, and tsk-tsk'ing environmentalists jetting in to tell the locals what not to eat with their chablis. Then they'll build a Safari Camp for tourists and a McDonalds, and pay the locals to live in a reproduction of their own village part-time and stop wearing those damned Laker t-shirts where the tourists can see them. And for God's sake, stop eating those rare birds!

The government's Protected Areas and Wildlife Bureau said Calayan was not listed under the official protected wildlife areas but the discovery of the new bird species might help in efforts to have the area covered as well.

Yes, shocking though it is, these people failed to seek government approval before eating what they liked on their own island. We'd better have a law right away.

And here's the other thing. Flightless bird = bad design. Know why there aren't many of them? Because it's dumb, that's why! Unless you're as big as the nearest predator that finds you tasty, or as fast as the fastest cat-like creature that can run you down, FLYING is a survival mechanism that most BIRDS can't very well do without!

One might well argue that we're well off without bad designs such as these. Bon A Petit, boys! Save me a wing!


Bah!

Wigwam Jones, Gorilla-at-law