Throwing Stones at Neighbors

Now frankly, I've always been an optimistic kind of guy. No, scratch that, not true. Pessimistic. No, that's not true either. Hmmm. OK, here's what kind of guy I am. If you have a gallon of milk, and you drink half of it, how much do you have left? All of it. Duh. Yes, that's what kind of guy I am. The kind who gets smacked a lot.

Well, that's not what I wanted to talk about anyway. I wanted to talk about how important it is that I keep reminding people that their lives are not as wretched as other people's. Ah, no, that's not right.

OK, I wanted to talk about how I have a problem with Power Tools, and should not be allowed near them anymore. Hmmm. Closer.

Ah. Well, then, let's talk about being kind to one's neighbors. Nope, that ain't it.

Fine. I'm just going to talk about my yard again. Hang on.

As most of you know, Wiggy has a yard. Wiggy's yard is tiny, but troublesome. Wiggy has had to stomp it into submission on several occasions, and the weeds, they still live to vex and annoy Wiggy. Vex and annoy, I tell you!

Wiggy has an edging tool. You know what I mean? One of those things that resembles a ninja throwing star stuck to the end of a stick. You roll it along the edge of your yard, and the idea is that it trims as it goes - give you nice straight lines of grass on the edge of sidewalks, driveways, that sort of thing.

Only it doesn't. Not in the part of North Carolina, anyway. Here, the grass is an angry wild beast, and it throws out runners and eats concrete with aplomb. Your ninja throwing star on a stick makes it laugh - hah! You amuse the grass. It will eat your house now. Like Jabba the Hut. If it were your yard, that is. Yeah, that's me. Han Solo. Wiggy Solo. Trying Jedi mind tricks and waving my ninja star on a stick around. The yard's clearly not buying it.

So last week, Mrs. Wiggy unearthed a gift card that we had been given (as a gift, appropriately enough) to Home Depot. Well there ain't one in Wilson - we got Lowes. But hey, let's drive up to Rocky Mount and use this thing. OK, then.

So off we go, and we found something fun to buy. A Black and Decker electric lawn edger thing. Oh, baby.

Now, I haven't had such good luck with Black and Decker stuff. We had a coffee maker that had to be put to death, because it breweth not, but it speweth well, and it offended us mightily (that's the Wiggy royal 'we', in case you're keeping notes). We also have a battery-operated weed slapper that is supposed to be a weed whacker, but as it turns out, it is such a weak sister that it just kind of insults weeds. "Oh, you naughty weed. Go away!" Slap. The weed springs back and grins. There will be evil done this day. We don't use the annoying thing any more.

But we didn't have much choice. The only edge trimmers we could find were very, very, expensive, or the ninja star on a stick thing that as I mentioned, only seems to amuse the grass runners that slowly digest my concrete driveway and sidewalks. So we got the Black and Decker, as seen above, and I put it to use.

Last week, it did a pretty good job, actually. But I didn't have a long enough extension cord, so I could not do the part of the yard you see here - the edge of my yard as it borders my neighbor's yard. That's not my car, it is hers.

But you know, I can't let any day go by without a little chaos to keep it real, as they say. Which is to say, generally sucky.

So this morning, I went and got a longer extension cord, plugged the thing in, and let 'er rip. Ah. Lovely.

Now, isn't that special? That's the passenger side window of my neighbor's Mitsubishi SUV. A rock from my nice new Black and Decker electric edger did the deed.

Of course, my first thought was to run away. But then I realized that while I feel like a five-year-old most of the time (I went running to Mrs. Wiggy crying last week when a bad old wasp stung me while I was mowing and trying to edge with the ninja star on a stick), it probably wasn't going to work this time. I guessed I hadda go take my lumps.

Well, the neighbors thought it was a hoot. Funny, funny, funny. They said the best part was the look on my face. Oh yeah, great, guys. I'm remorseful, and you're laughing it up. It got so loud, it turned into another one of our porch parties that involved all the neighbors. These things just start spontaneously around Wilson, NC.

However, since I was so upset about having done what I done, they arranged a suitable penance. These creatures were brought over to my yard, where they have become the Walk of Shame.

No one is sure where the neighborhood Walk of Shame got started, or when. But it consists of every ugly lawn ornament you can imagine, all nicely decorating your yard, so that all passers-by think you have the world's worst taste, and all the clued-in neighbors know you have done something awful. Or something memorable. Or just had 'an event.' Our neighbors got the Walk of Shame by having a birthday party a few weeks ago which was well attended and well received. And now I have the Walk of Shame for having been too remorseful about breaking a window.

Well, it proves the point about not throwing stones at your neighbor's house. Or not buying Black and Decker. Or stay away from ugly lawn ornaments. Something like that.

Anyway. That electric lawn edger just got a lot more expensive. Dad nab it.

Grumble,

Wiggy