Wiggy to Prez: Nominate Me for Supreme Court Justice!

Holy Guacamole! Supreme Court Justice Sandra "Sandy Baby" Day O'Connor is retiring! That was a shocker, I have to admit.

So here's the deal - I want to be the next Supreme Court Justice. I'm not sure, but I don't think you have to be a lawyer, which is good, because I am not one. Frankly, I see that as a Good Thing. I can read pretty well, and follow directions, I stay mostly inside the lines when I color, and I believe I can interpret laws as to their Constitutionality. Lawyers just make things more complicated than they have to be, and argue over the meaning of the word 'is'. Good grief, who needs more of that?

I'll need your help, since you'll have to write to your various Congresspersons and the President and urge that I be nominated, so I am thinking I'll have to do a little campaigning here. I understand it is considered crass - but that never bothered me. So here we go...

First of all - I promise that if I am nominated and confirmed as an Associate Supreme Court Justice, I'll be a lot of fun. I'll treat the office with respect, but I'll still be an entertaining guy. Pithy quotes, mugging for the camera, snide remarks, that sort of thing.

I may, from time to time, come to work armed to the teeth to see how much I can get away with. Maybe I'll fashion some sort of faux military uniform like the Surgeon General and prance around in that from time to time. Don't worry, I won't actually fire any bullets. That would be rude and dangerous.

Funny hats for sure, I love funny hats. Two words - lamp shades.

I will give press conferences and announce that I'm taking my marching orders from the Pope, whom as we all know, gets the word directly from the Almighty. Then, when their heads have all exploded, I'll say "Just kidding!" and run away. That could be LOTS of fun!

Black Robes? Puhleeze.

I will appear in public and make startling pronouncements about our "Alien Overlords" or the mysterious 'Men in Black'.

I will support the US Constitution and Bill of Rights and subsequent amendments as written - they seem pretty clear to me and I think that's what the gig is, pretty much. Where I don't understand, I'll ask for help, get advice, listen to learned counsel, and make my decision or if I still don't get it, I'll abstain.

I think powdered wigs are due for a comeback. What a fashion statement! I'll say 'thee' and 'thou' a lot too, for dramatic effect.

I will interrupt attorney's arguments to ask them how much money they're making on the case, and then I'll heckle their suits and ties or dresses, as appropriate. I'll ask the original defendants to appear before the Court whenever possible, and just explain, in plain English, what this is all about.

I will do my best to convince the rest of the Court to get our neener-neener on to the White House and Congress pretty often, because they need a little kick in the ass now and then, is what.

If I appear before Congress or on TV, I'll bring a small squirtgun and do the Tom Cruise Splish-Splash on whomever is talking to me at the time. And I won't make a secret of it, because hey, I'm a Supreme Court Justice, for crying out loud!

I will tell the United Nations and all foreign courts to bite my Chula Vista. I will interpret laws based on the US Constitution, subsequent amendments, and where it applies, the Common Law we inherited from England, nothing else. The fact that the US is out of step with the rest of the world means nothing to me. The fact that we're not well-liked fashes me not at all.

Do they wear anything under those robes? OK, I'm just saying... A little breeze on the courthouse steps and it could be a Full Court Press, if you know what I mean. Mrs. Wiggy would be amused, but ever buddy else would be looking for a bucket to throw up into. 'Nuff said.

I will make decisions on a strict Constitutional basis - even when that decision is something I disagree with. When the position of Congress in passing a law is both clear and constitutional, I will support it - even if I feel like screaming at their stupidity. I'd see my job as interpreting the Constitutionality of laws passed by Congress, not making law or social statements from the bench. Activist? Yeah - like Scalia.

OK, so ask me questions and I'll tell you how I'd vote, given the issue. I'm open to changing my mind; I can be swayed by logic or large bribes (just kidding, wanted to see if you were listening, logic means nothing to me).

Every other Monday would be 'Rhyming Day' and ever argument would have to be made in the form of a poem. And I'm talking about poems that rhyme, dang it. None of that ee cummings stuff. Although I do like his poems, that's not what I want to hear from the Bench, dad nab it!

Alternate Wednesdays would be Iambic Pentameter Day, and we'd have to designate a Talking Backward Day and a 'Reverse Day' where each attorney takes his or her opponent's argument in place of their own. There would be a High-Falutin' Day which would involve some sort of feathers worn in the hair and deep, sweeping bows before the Bench. Handkerchiefs shoved in ruffled sleeves - that sort of thing. I'd make a 'Talk Like a Pirate Day' but there already is one - Arrrr! And there'd be a day where ever buddy had to end ever sentence with 'smell ya later.'

I would do magic tricks with coins. No looking under my robes, now; that's just not sportin'.

I'm serious about this, now. I need your help, so please contact the White House and your elected representatives and let them know that you think Wigwam Jones should be nominated for Supreme Court Justice.

I think that the Supreme Court needs a theme song, don't you? I mean, the President has one ('Hail to the Chief', you yobbos) and I think that since the Judicial Branch is an equal partner of the mighty Tripod of Government, we need a theme song. I'm thinking of something by Eminem or Destiny's Child. Or Weezer or Buddy Holly, I like lots of music. Oooh, what about Willie Nelson? Coolsville, my little droogies.

Let's put the fun back into the Supreme Court of the United States.

Yours in Jurisprudence,

Justice Wiggy (sounds good, don't it)?

PS - I just heard from She-Who-Must-Be-Adored, and Mrs. Wiggy says that I can be a Supreme Court Justice if it makes me happy, which it does. So that's one hurdle cleared. She also says I'll look good in a powdered wig, and she suggested that I change my name to 'Uncle Scotus' as a discussion with Ari brought up. She says Uncle Scotus has never gotten along with Uncle Jesse. Not sure what that means...

PPS - Just heard from my boss - he's also, surprisingly, in favor of this move on my part. He suggested that I might want to get some sort of fan-like device to keep my robes inflated like some kind of Baron Harkonen (from the movie 'Dune') or a small hovercraft, which could be really useful to get around in Our Nation's Capital. He's a fun boss.