Credit Card Crooks

First Premier Bank of Sioux Falls, South Dakota. Come on down! You're the newest contestant on "Credit Card Crooks," the exciting imaginary gameshow where we pull down the pants of a bad company and spank their bare butts for the world to see!

Your hero got a pre-approved credit card application today. I always read 'em before I toss them in the trash - you never know - you might find a lower rate than you're paying currently, and you can transfer for 0% for 90 days or so - great way to knock off a few bucks of interest for a few months - actually apply a monthly payment to principal instead of interest for a change.

So today I get the pitch from First Premier Bank. Well, right off the bat, this think has got 'schlock merchant' written over it. The come-on letter is done up to look like I won a prize or something - with 'emergency acceptance codes' and 'rush process now' junk on it - special codes and all written that bizarre font that IBM mainframes used to use. I suppose it is supposed to generate excitement, look like you won some kind of contest. Yeah - snork - you won a contest, all right. The "Look How Big An Idiot I Am" contest. Winners every day. And yeah, I've won a few times myself. I'm so proud.

But listen. Mrs. Wiggy and myself have worked hard to make sure our credit is in good shape - and it paid off bigtime recently when we bought our house - fixed VA 30 year loan, nothing down, 5.75% APR. I'd say we've got OK credit.

So here's the deal. When you get one of these pitches, you have GOT to read the fine print if you're going to even consider taking their card. So you flip the thing over, and there it is, in a big block. Well, it's not hard to find, folks. But that's because the law demands it - a law instituted after years of abuse by companies like this.

Annual Percentage Rate for Purchases: 9.9%. Hey, that's not so bad! I watch my APR rates carefully, that sounds good! Maybe I should pay attention here!

Other Annual Percentage Rates: 23.9% for Cash Advances, 23.9% for Penalty APR. OK, that does not sound so good. The maximum legal rate. Think about it, folks. If you maxed out a $4,000 card at that rate, you'd pay the minimum payment of about $200 per month for the rest of your life and NEVER pay the thing off. Would I give you three large if you then were going to pay me a couple hundred bucks a month for the rest of your life? Dang straight I would.

But hey, you can avoid paying the hot-knitting-needles-through-your-eyes rate by just doing a couple of things. First, avoid taking a cash advance on a credit card. That's a bad deal even on good credit cards, let alone belly-crawlers like these guys. The second thing is to always pay your bill on time - never even a day late. That invokes the higher interest rate on this particular card - be late twice in a six-month period. Well, this all sucks, but honestly, it's not that unusual. Heck, I've even gotten credit card offers recently that say my rate goes to the legal max if I am late paying any credit card payment - even their competitors! How would they find out? Because late payments are reported to the credit card bureaus, natch. Oh, what a crock! Be late with one credit card company, and all your rates go through the roof. Yeah, you'll be able to fix your credit problems that way. I guess they want to be sure that if you slip and fall, you die (financially). Injured and limping doesn't get it. The credit card hyenas want you healthy and paying on time or dead with your guts ripped out. Nothing in-between, thanks.

Well, let's get back our star weasels, First Premier. What makes them special is this; lots of extra fees. Fees for everything. Fees for breathing, fees for taking up space on the planet. Here are the fees I could find on my first pass through this mish-mash of reportage that they call an Initial Disclosure and Important Information (they oughta call it BOHICA, baby):

Fees for Issuance or Availability of Credit: (this is the fun part)

* Program Fee: $95.00 (one time fee)
* Account Setup Fee: $29.00 (one time fee)
* Annual Fee: $48.00 (obviously annually)
* Participation Fee: $72.00 (annually)
* Additional Card Fee: $20.00 per card

Oh, but wait, there's more!

Other Charges:

* Late Fee or Overlimit Fee: $25
* Credit Limit Increase Fee: $25 (every time they raise your limit)
* Copying Fee: $3 per item (I don't even know what this is)
* Internet Access Fee: $3.95 PER ACCESS
* Autodraft Fee: $11.00 per month
* If Autodraft is requested through their voicemail: $7.00 per transaction
* Express Delivery Fee: $25.00 if you need a replacement card (lost, stolen, etc)

So, after all this, here's what it breaks down to (and they cop to it in the fine print). You fall for this crapola. They give you an account based on your lousy credit score (I suspect that this solicitation normally is intended for the bad-credit crowd, of which I was one once). So, the minimum account is a $250 line of credit. If you need two cards, the amount of credit you have LEFT on your card BEFORE YOU EVEN GET IT is $52. Yeah, you just gave $198 to some crapass shitbag company for the privilege of holding a piece of plastic that says "VISA" on it. It's no wonder you have bad credit, you're stupid if you fall for this.

So, is First Premier Bank of Sioux Falls, South Dakota a bunch of crooks? Not for this, really. I'm sure it is all legal - they can do everything they're doing. But are they a bunch of snakes, preying on the segment of society that can least afford it? Yep. Shitbags, every person who works for that worthless chunk of excrement they call a company. My opinion, folks; read it and weep. If First Premier Bank is reading this - sue me. Unless you're too busy snorting drano and plooking each other.

Anyway, that's the end of this rant. I hate crapheads like this. I also have little sympathy for those who take credit cards because they're offered them, and don't bother to read the disclosures on the back. That's why these shit-stains have nice houses in the country, morons. Read the fine print. We can't put 'em jail if they tell you how big they're gonna make your butthole by the time they get through with you and you agree to it. Oh, they'll still smoke a fat turd in Hell, but that's little consolation for you now.

Oh, hey, that reminds me of another rat bastard credit card company. This one pulled my pants down and gave me a sound buggering. Not even a reach-around, either. I got a solicitation from Discover Card. You know, the other credit card that nearly nobody accepts. Well, their offer seemed to be a good deal for what I needed it for. I wanted to transfer a balance from a VISA card to Discover and take advantage of their 0% finance charge for 6 months deal. So I filled out the application and gave them my VISA card number and the balance and then I sat around and checked my belly-button for lint. OK, not really - I've gotten so fat that my belly button is completely flat now. Weird. Anyway...

So, I get the card. They gave me a $3,000 line of credit and transferred exactly that much of the VISA card I wanted to clear out - not great, since I owed $4,000 on that card, but OK, so that's what it is. At least I get six months of 0% on $3,000 (which I can pay off in that time) and then I cancel the card and all is well.

But wait. Oh, those horrible bastards! They've given me a $3,000 balance, transferred EXACTLY that amount (which maxed out the card, of course) and THEN charged me an annual fee. That put me "over the limit" and invoked a) 23.99% APR and b) end of the six-month 0% APR, through my supposed 'default'.

Oh, you clever, clever, bastards. You got me. I admit it. I went from a 8.99% VISA with a $4,000 balance to a 8.99% VISA with a $1,000 balance and a 23.99% Discover with a $3,000 balance. I'm wearing a HUGE happy hat.

So I called these jerks. No, they won't fix it. In their opinion, they did nothing wrong. They transferred the maximum amount for my assigned credit limit into my account, and then the annual fee was automatically taken out, which put me over the limit they had just established. I demanded to know how ANYONE could actually get the 0% APR for six months that they had been advertising? Well, if you want to transfer an amount LESS than the credit limit you'll be given, then the annual fee won't put you OVER the limit, will it? Uh-huh. And how often does THAT happen? No answer. Ah. In other words, whatever you try to transfer, you will be given a credit limit JUST UNDER that amount, so that you'll be pushed OVER your limit by the annual fee, which comes out immediately. No answer. I hung up.

Well, one thing for sure - as soon as Discover Card is paid off, I drop them like a hot rock. And I tell them why, in salty, vulgar, rude-ass former US Marine tongue spoken only by Jarheads everywhere. And of course, I let ever buddy in on their dirty little sekrit. Right here.

Keep Swinging,

Wiggy