Interstellar Smut

In keeping with my recent discovery that I can make just about any old news story into some kinda smutty thing, I bring you this:

June 14, 2005
Researchers Discover 'Earth's Bigger Cousin'

Orbiting a small red star called Gliese 876, a planet that is nearly twice the diameter of Earth, and maybe seven times as massive, appears to be a distant relative.

What's dirty about this? Well, nothing. Yet. But then...

Virtually all of the nearly 150 other extrasolar planets identified so far have been larger than Uranus, the icy gas monstrosity in our own system that is about 15 times the mass of the Earth.

OK, so now I'm five years old, obsessed with poop jokes. Still, there is something inherently funny about referring to Uranus as an "icy gas monstrosity in our own system". And describing the size of things by comparing them to Uranus? Man, that's good comedy.

So, your hero decides to grow up a little bit - I mean, come on. All the 'Uranus' jokes were done back in the 1940's for crying out loud. Nothing new here. Oh, but wait...there's more...

The only exceptions have been three small planets reported orbiting a degenerate neutron star.

Yeah, those three small planets, wearing leather jackets, were hanging out with that degenerate neutron star, smoking cigarettes and being discourteous to women. They probably shake down the good stars for their lunch money - "Psst, hey kid. That's some nice Van Allen Belt, your mommy buy you that? Is that solar radiation in your lunch bucket? What, you gonna cry me some solar flares? Hand it over!" Kids these days!

Man, I need to get some work done. This is bad. Or maybe I'll go chase around some employees in the parking lot.

With my car, I mean. It's like a bazillion degrees outside today, if I'm going to be a monster raving loony, I'm going to do it in air-conditioned comfort.

Woweee,

Wiggy