Emerge VISA Card Company

I recently had a credit card account sold out from under me - if you have a VISA or MasterCard in the USA, you've probably had it happen to you at one time or another. The account was with Fleetbank (which has since become Bank of America), and they sold it to First National Bank of Omaha, which administers it under the name "Emerge." They should call it "Complete Craphead National Bank" instead, is what I think.

So I get this letter in the mail with a new credit card inside, a letter, and a phone number to call to 'activate' my new card. This has happened to your Wigster before, so that's not a big deal. Usually, you call the number, punch in some personal data, and then get transferred to a bored, gum-popping teenager who tries to get you to buy additional services that no one needs or really wants. You say no, no, no, and eventually they stop reading from the script, tell you your card is activated, and hang up on you.

Not this time. I called, punched in the information it asked for, and then was transferred. But this time, it was to a person who barely spoke any English. I mean like nearly none. She asked me for my birthday more than six times. She could not even understand the word "July" for my birth month. She kept repeating "June? June? April?" I have no idea what she meant. Maybe she thought July was an icky month to have a birthday and she wanted me to change my birthday. Not that bad an idea, but not really in my control.

I finally gave up. I figured I'd call in the morning, during business hours, and get someone who could speak English or who could at least transfer me to someone who spoke English. I was going to complain about my personal financial data ending up in some foreign country without my permission, but frankly, it would be like hollering at my dogs. It lets me blow off steam, but the dogs just cock their heads and me and bark from time to time, as if to see if they can actually get me to explode and shower them with bacon bits.

I am a very optimistic person, as it turns out. My head did explode, but it is not filled with bacon bits. Ah, rue the day, rue the day.

So, today, like a complete moron, I called the customer service number. Let me give you that number. 1-888-233-9538. That's the number for "Emerge" VISA and MasterCard customer service. Go ahead, give 'em a call. I'll wait.

Are you back? You may have noticed that the recording is scratchy and hard to understand. That's the best it ever gets. Really. The first thing it asks you is to put in your Social Security Number and press the # sign. So you do. And it grinds for awhile and then tells you that it can't find your account. So you are prompted to put in your VISA account number and press #, which you do. Then it asks you for your Social Security Number again. You enter it and this time, it recognizes you. You know how I know I didn't just mistype my SSN the first time? Because I've been through this menu more than twenty times today, that's why. It is broken the same way each time, so it ain't me.

Then, you listen to a scratchy, hard-to-understand voice message and you eventually get to the point and press "9" for a customer service rep. Then you go on hold.

For about 15 minutes. Never less than 5, sometimes more than 20. Not even nice music on hold, sadly. Nothing you can hum to.

Finally, you get through. To whom? To the same people who don't speak English that you could NOT communicate with the night before.

I went though all this, folks. I finally succeeded in getting my card activated. Then I made a huge mistake.

I asked my interest rate.

Oh, don't ever ask that. God help you if you do. Because they don't know what your interest rate is. They don't have access to it. They say you have to call the customer service number to get that information. You know, the one you already called. The one you dialed to speak to this happy numbskull. You try to explain this to them. All they can do is apologize but unfortunately, you have to dial the customer service number - they recite the number again, like you're a child and don't understand. You tell them again - YES, I UNDERSTAND. THAT'S THE NUMBER I DIALED TO SPEAK TO YOU. Then you recycle and go through this pattern until you get tired of it.

I never got the information. They have NO IDEA what my interest rate might be. Or they don't want to tell me what it is. You decide.

Several times through the loop, I threw a change-up pitch. I asked to speak to a supervisor. You know what that gets you? An introduction to Mister Click and Mister Dial-Tone, that's what. Or, you can ask THEM to transfer you to this mythical 'Customer Service' number that no one can actually dial. That's entertaining, because then you get put on hold for another twenty minutes before THEY ANSWER THE PHONE AGAIN. Yeah, the same guy. Or gal. And they pretend they don't recognize you from before. You have to give your bona fides again, and listen to them explain to stupid ol' you how you have to DIAL THE CUSTOMER SERVICE NUMBER if you want to talk to customer service.

I finally called the one number that was different from the others. It is the number they give you to dial if you don't want to accept their terms and you wish to close the account. I called it. The same Customer Service person ("Roxanna Samuel" to be precise) answered. I ignored the obvious and just told her I wanted to close my account. She took my bona fides for like the fifth time today and asked me WHY I was closing it.

"Because you cannot speak English."
"What?"
"Because you cannot speak English. That's why I'm closing my account."
"Spanish?"
"English."
"What?"
"I am closing my account because you do not speak English."
"I...am...closing..." (she says, as she types it into her computer terminal)... then she twigs that I am talking about HER. Duh.
"Sir, I speak perfect English."
"No, you don't."
"Yes, I do, and Spanish too."
"Well, then I'm closing my account because you are too short."
"What?"
"The bluebird only flies backwards at night."
"What?"
"Precisely."
"Sir, I need to know why you are closing your account."
"Exactly right."
"What?"
"That's why."
"What?"

I could go on, but it is all too painful. For you as well as me, I'm guessing. Sorry, I had to vent. I finally told her I was closing my account because I hate Mondays and let it go at that. I doubt she got the Bob Geldof reference, but there you go.

So here's the deal. Save yourself some grief. Don't do bidness with Emerge VISA card company or First National Bank of Omaha. Well, unless you speak Spanish and are really tall. Or own bluebirds. Something like that.

Smooches,

Wiggy

FNBO Emerge
P.O. Box 105555
Atlanta, GA 30348-5555
1-888-233-9538

First National Bank of Omaha
1620 Dodge Street
Omaha, NE 68197
1-877-932-3626