I Blasphemed All Over the House

It's not my fault. This evening, my wife made "Heroin Wings," which are some sort of concoction of chemicals spread over chicken wings that is supposed to be very, very, edible. Well, they are. I ate the hell out of 'em. And then I did what boys do. Did a hell of a lot of that, too.

So here I am, sittin' on the couch, watching an eBay auction, bidding on crap I don't even want just 'cause I'm curious as to what it is and no one else bid on the damned thing, and ever so often I'm scratching or belching or maybe farting just a little bit. The bigscreen TeeVee is running the CMT 'Top 100 Love Songs' for about twenty straight hours, and I know I'm gonna have to be something special when the lights go out at the Jones residence, if you catch my drift.

Well, I happened to notice out the corner of my eye that my wife is writing something on a notepad every couple of minutes. Then I notice that it appears to be coinciding with my, er, bodily functions. I belch, she scribbles. I scratch, she writes. I fart, she gets really jiggy with the notepad. Hmmm. What, is she keeping a list?

So, I asked her. She started laughing. "Yeah," she says. "I'm keeping a journal of every time you fart or belch or make that damned cracking noise with your neck. The thing is, I'm running out of notebook paper, and this is only for tonight. You should see the reams of paper I've got upstairs in my office awaiting transcription." She starts laughing hysterically.

"Yes, I'm keeping a journal of ALL THE WEIRD SHIT YOU DO. Like that stupid 'Jesus Action Figure' that your friend Jim sent you. What the hell is that about?"



I tried to explain. You see, my friend Jim is Jewish. Once upon a time, I sent him a deck of Jewish Rabbis trading cards. You know, just trading cards like baseball cards, but with famous Rabbis on them. I thought that they were funny and informative. He tossed 'em in the trash. I guess it was an insult or something. But he got me back. It just took about five years. So he sends me this Jesus Action Figure that has 'gliding action' - it's supposed to walk on water. Well, very shallow water. But whatever. I found it way too damned funny.

But my wife is all fired up now...

"Yes, you played with that damned Jesus Action Figure, and YOU DIDN'T EVEN GO TO CHURCH TODAY! You and your devil-worshipping friends didn't go to church, and you just BLASPHEMED ALL OVER THIS HOUSE! I surprised the whole house didn't just burn right down tonight."

So here I sit on the couch, drinking my IBC Root Beer and watching CMT and kinda watching my eBay auctions. And blaspheming all over the house. Wanna pull my finger? Man, I love those heroin wings.

Hang In There,

Wiggy