The Gubbermint Done Changed Mah Name

It started like this, dear readers…

You see, your ol' pal Wigwam and wife had recently relocated to Wilson, North Carolina from New Mexico. Needing to obtain local documentation, ol' Wiggy went to the local DMV (Department of Motor Vee-Hicles) to obtain same. Brought along his old New Mexico driver's license and a slightly dog-eared Social Security card, don'cha know.

Now, Wigs has had his Social Security card for a long time. Since he was a lad, growing up in the cornfields of Illinois, in fact. He got his Social Security card back when he was about 12 years old, when he got his first 'real' job de-tassling corn in the summer between grades in school. Had to pay taxes, had to file a tax return, therefore, needed a Social Security card. Nowadays, they just issue them at birth, before the young curtain-climber leaves the hospital. Gotta start 'em young.

However, ol' Wigs was 12 years old, and Social Security Card-less. And the town where Wigs lived was San Jose, Illinois - population 400. Not 'San Hosay' you see. No, 'San Joes'. Salute! Anyway, to get back to the story…

Wigs has a middle name, dear readers. It is 'Bryan'. Spelled just like that. But, the local Social Security Administration office, which consisted of the town Magistrate (he was also the Mayor, the librarian, the town clerk and constable, and he ran the yearly Volunteer Fireman's Pancake Breakfast), performed a small typographical error on young Wiggy's Social Security card with a manual Remington typewriter. He spelled 'Bryan' incorrectly - namely, "Bryon". Not "Byron," which would have been equally incorrect but at least it is a name, but "Bryon," which appears not to be a real word or name at all in the English language. And young Wiggy, trusting authority as he did (he would learn, dear readers, he would learn), chose not to say anything about yon typo.

Years went by, and the typo really never mattered. Wigs was able to join the military, get married, divorced, married again, buy cars and a house and so on, and never did he have a problem with the errant spelling of his middle name on his Social Security card. Nobody cared, it didn't matter, it was irrelevant.

Then 9/11 happened, and the world changed.

No longer was a birth certificate an acceptable form of identification. No longer was a DD-214 (military discharge) proof of one's ID. No baptismal certificates, voter registration cards, not even the vaunted US Passport were considered to be acceptable. The only 'real' form of acceptable ID as a 'source document' became the once-lowly Social Security card.

And Wigwam's had a typo in it. Of course, it also says, in big, bold, letters:

"FOR SOCIAL SECURITY AND TAX PURPOSES - NOT FOR IDENTIFICATION."

But to hell with that, eh, readers? It is now the ONLY ACCEPTABLE FORM of ID. The 'tabula testimonium'. A 'National Identification Card', so to speak. Prima Facie evidence. Welcome to the Occupation.

Can you guess the rest, dear readers? Perhaps, but there is more.

Yes, it is true - the State of North Carolina insisted on issuing a driver's license to ol' Wiggy that included the misspelled middle name of "Bryon" instead of 'Bryan'. They listened to Wigwam's explanation, they accepted it as likely true, but they were required to follow the prime form of ID - the Social Security card, complete with typographical error.

So, Wigwam called the Social Security Administration in Wilson, North Carolina. They suggested that Wigwam would have to fill out a Form SS-5, "Application for a Social Security Card" which is the type of document used when, for example, a woman gets married and changes her name. However, Wigwam informed them that he did not need to change his name, he just needed to correct a typographical error. Ah. There was no procedure for that. There are no typographical errors. Whatever Wiggy's aged and worn Social Security card says his name is, that's indeed what it is - legally, finally, and forever.

Wiggy was a bit confused. How, then, can it be changed? That's easy, replied the Social Security wonk. Get a lawyer, go to the courthouse, and change your name from the misspelling to the correct spelling. Simple.

WHAT?!?

Wigwam has to CHANGE HIS NAME from a typo, which has somehow mysteriously become his legal name, to the name he was born with? How, pray tell, did it get changed to the misspelling in the first place? How did the Social Security Administration override Wigwam's parents, who named their little boy, unknowing that the Social Security Administration reserved the right and privilege to change it however they saw fit? What country is this? Where are we, on the moon? Who the hell is in charge of this basket of shit?

The Social Security Administration is staffed with complete morons.

Well, the end of this story is that Wigwam now has a North Carolina Driver's License with a misspelled middle name. And the only way to fix it is to get a fixed Social Security card first. And the only way to do that is to change his name from what it never was to what his parents named him.

Ah, nuts.

Keep your stick on the ice!

Wiggy