He Spoke Fluent Disclaimer

Just wanted to say that I am the proud owner of a brand-spanking new Ryobi BT3100, purchased from the Home Depot in Rocky Mount, NC this very day - on sale for $249. This is what is left from the Great Tax Refund of 2006, which finally arrived. Mrs. Wiggy got a stove. Which is nice, because her old one was made in 1953 and the last burner, although it still worked, was developing a rather frightening tilt to one side. Made eggs an adventure.

I have never owned a power tool in my life - with the exception of a Dremel which I used to wrap a very expensive model airplane into a tight little ball with, because apparently, that's the way God wanted it.

I bought the Ryobi because of two very important events in my life. One, I own this danged old house instead of living in a crackerbox apartment; I'm nearly 45, thought I deserved it. We've been here for nearly two years now; I haven't so much as tightened a nut or a bolt around here. And second, it was Mrs. Wiggy's birthday yesterday, so I thought I should get her something nice. So I got her this nice table saw for me to use for her. I thought that was nice.

I read about the saw in "Make" magazine, and then I saw that they were on sale at the Home Depot, and brother, that was all I needed to know. Because if there is one thing more dangerous than computer geeks, it is computer geeks with power tools.

So it is sitting out in my garage this very minute, still in the box and all. I am not sure what to do next. The garage has no power, it was built in 1923 like my house. Well, my house has power, but for some reason, they never got around to dropping a line into the garage. That could be because you can't keep a car in it, too narrow for modern cars. You could drive in, but you'd never manage to open the doors. That's kind of weird, huh? Stuck inside your own garage, have to crawl out the windows or something.

And of course, I have no idea what to do with a table saw. I have this vague notion that I'll build something. Perhaps a book case, the built-in kind. My house (did I mention it was built in 1923?) is an honest-to-Pete Bungalow, craftsman style, and I thought I'd like a chance to learn how do something craftsman-like.

I never took a shop class or woodworking class or anything like that, but my great-granddad was a carpenter. But he was already retired when I was just a kid, his own kids had to take his power tools away, he was down to three fingers on one hand and two on the other. He thought it was kind of funny, actually. Used to do that "I'm picking my nose" trick, which looked pretty realistic with the entire tip of his finger missing - so it really looked like he was rooting around in there, and brother, did he have a honker, so there was plenty of room for it.

His name was KC Jones, not the famous railroad engineer of song and legend, but just the same, his name is on a plaque at the Greater Peoria International Airport, he was one of the founders and a pilot during the Great Depression, well, he didn't have a license, but he had a badge as a Sheriff's Deputy and he flew in booze from Canada.

So that's why I want to build a Thing.

But you know, it wasn't easy to buy this table saw. No sir. I first had to find out where to buy it, which I found out by going to Ryobi's website. You put in your zipcode, and it tells you where the nearest dealer is. Turns out that in North Carolina at least, the nearest dealer is Home Depot, which is kind of like Lowe's, only with higher prices. And Ryobi table saws.

So I went to Ryobi's website to see what I could see, and I discovered the $249 bargain that I just mentioned. But it said "online only" next to the sale price, so I presumed that meant you had to buy it online. Not a problem, you can usually buy things like this online and then just pick them up at the local store. Well, Home Depot's Rocky Mount store is not THAT local, it's 15 miles away, but that's really about a half-hour drive, because there is no quick way to Rocky Mount from Wilson. Highway 301 is about it, with lots of no-tell motels and strip clubs along the way. Not that I've ever noticed. Although Mrs. Wiggy noticed during our drive up there today that one motel had a sign out front proudly advertising that they are for cheaters. Yep, the sign said "New A Cheat." That was all we could figure out, anyway. Then Mrs. Wiggy (got give her the credit) figured it out - it meant "New A/C (as in Air Conditioning) Heat." Oh. Well that's not as much fun.

So anyway, where was I? Oh yes. I was online and saw this great price of $249 for a Ryobi BT3100 table saw from Home Depot, and the website for Home Depot said 'online only'. So, I thought I could order it online and pick it up in Rocky Mount. So I created an account on Home Depot's website and proceeded to begin the ordering process. However, when it came to the part where I put down how I wished to ship said table saw, it listed the shipping price as $119 and did not offer an option to pick the thing up locally. Bummer.

So I abandoned that process and found the "Customer Service" phone number on Home Depot's website and called it. I went through the usual voice response stuff, and finally got to speak to an customer service representative. He had a heavy accent, I'm guessing Indian, and his name was Keith.

Here's how our conversation went, more or less:

Wiggy: Hi, is this Home Depot Customer Service?
Keith: Hello, this is Keith, with Home Depot Customer Service. To whom am I speaking?
Wiggy: Wigwam Jones, Wiggy for short. Wigs to my pals.
Keith: hallow, Mister Wigway. How may I be of service to you?
Wiggy: Well, I saw this great table saw on your website and I'd like to purchase it, but there is a slight problem you see, and...
Keith: Can you tell me the SKU number of the table saw that you saw on our website?
Wiggy: Ah, sure (I gave him the number).
Keith: Oh, that is the Ryobi BT3100 10-inch table saw. It is a fine machine. Do you wish to order it now?
Wiggy: Well, yes, sure, but I wanted to pick it up at the local Home Depot, since shipping is like a hundred and twenty bucks and I...
Keith: Your local prices may vary.
Wiggy: What?
Keith: Your price may vary at the local Home Depot. This is what I am saying.
Wiggy: Ah, well, yes. I saw that you had an 'online' price of $249 and I thought maybe I could still get that price but pick it up to avoid paying shipping. I'll still buy it online, though. That would work, right?
Keith: Your price may vary.
Wiggy: Yes, you said that.
Keith: The prices vary.
Wiggy: I got that. OK, well then, can you tell me how much they cost at the local store?
Keith: That is the thing. The price could be more or less.
Wiggy: Right. So how much is it at the local store?
Keith: They vary.
Wiggy: Look, Keith, this isn't "Let's Make a Deal." I am not playing what's behind curtain number one over here. I understand the price is different in the store than it is online, I just want to know HOW MUCH it costs if I buy it locally!
Keith: The prices...
Wiggy: ...vary, yes. I got that. OK, never mind, I think I have you guys figured out. I'll buy the table saw somewhere else, you don't want my business.
Keith: Wait, Mister Wigwam. Can I help you to decide to purchase the Ryobi BT3100 saw from us locally instead of online?
Wiggy: What? I thought you weren't going to tell me how much they cost locally?
Keith: If you will hold the line, I will call the local store manager and ask him directly how much he charges for the Ryobi BT3100 table saw that you are wanting to purchase.
Wiggy: OK, then.

I then listened to the nice hold music for a short while. Keith came back with the store manager from Rocky Mount, who told me the local price for the table saw - $249, just like the 'web only' sale price. I told him I'd be up during the weekend to pick one up and rang off.

When I told Mrs. Wiggy this story, I mentioned that nobody talks like Keith did, which is why I found it so irritating. You see this "Prices May Vary" stuff on the bottoms of store flyers, right next to "size and color may vary from item shown." Nobody talks like this, it is strictly legalese.

One, she told that this kind of stuff only happens to me. My good friend Milcom Miasma is the 'unmaker', he can make any mechanical thing disassemble itself without even touching it. And I am a shit magnet. The second thing she told me made me drop my jaw in open wonder and admiration - she casually mentioned that apparently, Keith from India speaks two languages. Indian; and Fluent Disclaimer.

We happened to be having some lovely Chinese buffet at that moment, and I inhaled a rice. That is not as fun as it probably sounds, but on the bright side, I think I finally got rid of the last traces of tar that might have been hiding in the very bottom of my lungs from two years ago when I quit smoking.

So now I have a table saw, and I am a-feared to unpack it. I guess I'll have to man up and start sawing off fingers.

Smooches,

Wiggy