The T-Shirt Sheet

The news on bed sheets is apparently:

Cotton Knitted Sheets: As Comfortable As A Favorite T-Shirt

Since being heralded by Oprah Winfrey on national T.V. as her "best discovery of the year," 100 percent cotton jersey knit sheets have become one of the hottest items for the home. Coined the "T-shirt sheet", these stretchy, comfy, wrinkle-free alternatives to the flat weaves, twills and sateens that currently dominate the market, have answered the consumers cry for apparel-influenced bedding.

What? Cry? I wasn't aware of any cry. Did you hear any cry? Did you hear me moan out loud that I was thinking of hurling myself off a tall building or in front of a danged old train because my bed sheets did not resemble my apparel? Thosed danged weaves, twills, and sateens. How dare they dominate the marketplace? What kind of world is this, when sheets can gang up on...aw, never mind. I'm just being weird. I was gonna work a Mohammed joke in there, but I could get set afire for that, so never mind.

If I wanted my bed sheets to resemble my favorite apparel, they'd be made of faded denim and have holes in them, be run down at the heels, and have some paint stains on them. They would not fit on the bed quite right, but would ride down a bit in back, revealing a bit of 'mattress crack' when the bed was bent a certain way. If my sheets resembled my t-shirts, they'd say "Did it hurt when the aliens removed your anal probe?" like my actual t-shirts do.

If I wanted my bedding to resemble my go-to-work attire, my sheets would be made like a polo shirt, complete with BBQ stains where I dripped my lunch (turkey sammich and provolone cheese with KC Masterpiece BBQ sauce on wheat bread, yummy) and some crumbs from a Little Debby's Oatmeal Snack Cake. OK, maybe two Little Debby's. But I have no idea what happened to the third, I'll bet the dogs ate it.

But somehow I got my wish that I didn't even know I had. Mrs. Wiggy came home over over the weekend with two sets of sheets made of t-shirt material. Twenty bucks a pair, she said. We got our tax refund and the woman has gone mad. Mad, I tell you.

So I am about as interested in what our sheets are made of as I am by what vitamins are in the roughage I'm not eating. Which is precisely none at all, out to five decimal places of precision. However, I say "Gee, that's great, honey," because I do not like to have my face lightly tapped with a shovel.

I helped put the new sheets on the bed. Ah, yes, now I see. They are just like t-shirts. Stretchy. Soft. Warm to the touch. Very nice. We have to pull the dickens out of them to get them on the bed, but just like a t-shirt, they'll stretch out a bit. So, all was well. No need for a Wiggy rant.

Ah, but wait. There's more.

See, having sheets on the bed is nice. I'm in favor of it in general, even though I spent a good couple of decades as a single man with sheets being more-or-less optional, and clean sheets being a rare luxury. But more important, I discovered, than having sheets on the bed is having sheets you can sleep on.

You'd think it would not make much difference. Satin, sateen, silk or rubber, a sheet is a sheet, right? As long as it's clean, who really cares if it has lace around the edges or 320 threads per inch?

Well, see, t-shirt material, as it turns out, is really good at being used for t-shirts. For sheets, I'm voting not so much.

Because here's the thing. When you are wrapped up in the comfort that is a t-shirt and you're in bed, it gets warm. Really warm. And you perspire. And the sheet clings to you. And it continues to do so as you thrash and turn and twist as you're sleeping. And pretty soon, you're in a burrito. Every turn you make makes your head turn a bit redder - pretty soon you'll pop.

And worse. See, many ladies choose to shave their legs and such. Me, I don't really go in for that, except for that one incident in college that we won't talk about now. There is probably a really good reason that t-shirt material is used for t-shirts and denim is used for jeans. As it turns out, t-shirt materal grabs your leg and uh, other short and curly hair and it relaxes enough to let the little boogers slide right through. Then you move a bit and what was loose is made tight and it rips the little hairs right out of your body. Oh yeah.

I'm not even going to discuss the kind of dreams I had as I was slowly depilated over the course of the night. Suffice to say I haven't had rug burns like that since the military.

And that's all I have to say on that subject. Except thank God I'm bald already.

Smooches,

Wiggy