Bored in Charlotte

God, I'm bored. Bored, bored, bored, I could not be more bored. I'd set my pants on fire for a larf, but hey, I don't smoke anymore. Bored!

I had to drive to Charlotte today on account of bidness. Well, that's not totally true, I actually had to be driven to Charlotte. This is because of some recurring nastiness on the part of my boss, who fails to understand my absolute need to be driven everywhere in a stretch limo and worshipped as one would worship a minor diety. And it is only 200 some-odd miles from Wilson to Charlotte, NC, is all I'm saying. Little limo drive would do me good. Drinkies and stuff.

And my air conditioning is broken in my 1996 Chevy Lumina, which is pretty much a good car except for that - and the fact that it still has expired New Mexico license plates on it, which is all North Carolina's fault, but I won't get into that now.

So my coworker drove, and as a result, I am stuck here in the La Quinta hotel in Charlotte, bored to tears, and not much to do until dinner time. It has been beastly hot and humid all around NC since about Sunday, and all I did then was to rip the leather covering off of a 50-year-old folding camera and replace it with leather from a lady's boot that I got at Goodwill for 3 bucks. That got some odd looks, I can tell you.

So, I heard some thunder and looked out the window and holy cow! it has clouded up and is about to commence with the rain. Looks like it might be a good one, too, is what. So, since my coworker is asleep or dead down the hallway in her room, I grab my digital camera and head out to see what's what. Gotta be something going on.

Right?

First thing, right off. You know those red-light cameras? Well, I guess they got them here too. But they tell you about them first. Seems a fair trade-off.

But some wag has covered up the 'En' and now it says 'forced'. Not really all that funny, if you ask me. But it must have been to someone, that sign is a good 10 feet in the air. People are strange.

Then I see this sign, I don't know what to make of it. Towed in? Towed in where? Somebody explain this one to me.

Well, this is all pretty boring, so here is a photo of my boring hotel in boring Charlotte and my boring, boring, life. Nice dark clouds, though. I seriously need a drink.

Oh yeah, I loved this one. The smelly elevator. Smells like salami mixed with gym socks, what's that about? Anyway, I've seen my share of elevator inspection forms. Most times, they're bad copies of bad copies of a form somebody paid off an inspector for. You can hardly read them, but who really cares? Not this one. Has the photo of Cherie Berry on it. Now, ignoring the impossible name, who or what is Cherie Berry? Well, she's the North Carolina Commissioner of Labor, is what. What? Commissioner of Labor? Out inspecting elevators? Seems odd. But then, ever thang is odd in North Carolina.

And wait just a darn minute. A photo? A photo of Cherie Berry, Commissioner of Labor? On the elevator inspection form? Um...boggle. Why? Why, in the name of Hairy Male, do I want to see Cherie Berry's mug as I plunge to my death in a smelly elevator from hell? And if I'm not going to plunge to my death, also why do I want to look at Cherie Berry? Is there some greater good being perpetrated here?

And then, the final insult. I'm getting warmed up, and here the elevator ride is nearly over. Yes, it is hard to read, sorry. It is a brass plaque that instructs Firefighters how to operate an elevator. Yes. I read the instructions, even though I am not a firefighter. They are the exact instructions one would need if one were born too stupid to know instinctively how an elevator works.

And I have to wonder. Oh, Hair Male, pray for me. Why does a firefighter, brave and bold and bursting with desire to put out fires, need instructions on how to operate an elevator? And what, pray, is a firefighter DOING on an elevator? If he is engaged in fighting a fire, perhaps he might want to take, you know, THE STAIRS? And if he is just visiting, again I must ask - how is it that he needs instructions on how to operate an elevator?

There has to be something more to this. But in the meantime, I am now officially bored of this and I am hungry. There is a steak place nearby, and I'll bet they have beer. I'm outty.

Bored!

Wiggy in Charlotte