You May Even Be At Fault

Watching TV news with my wife this morning. Having my coffee. We laugh at a great commercial for "Colonial Williamsburg" which features a geeky I.T. guy getting a kneeling plea from a beautiful young woman to fix her laptop computer - he rules. I can't explain, you just have to see this series of commercials. Very cool.

No sooner had we seen that, then there came a commercial that broke my head open.

I'm used to the typical lawyerly ambulance-chasing ads on TV. You know the kind, they are the ones that feature earnest-looking men (usually) claiming that they will fight for my right to get a large financial settlement for whatever bad happens to me in my life. Which seems like a right neighborly thing to do. Because, as we all know, no matter what happens in my life, if I perceive it as 'bad', then somebody owes me some freaking money right now, dammit!

This guy is different, and nearly caused me to choke on my coffee. First of all, he looks just like the character "Norm" on the old TV show "Cheers." There are the typical shots of him looking earnest and trustworthy, kneeling next to an old woman in a wheelchair, kissing babies, etc. But then he addresses the camera and says that if we've been injured in an accident, even if we were totally at fault, he can get us the financial settlement that we deserve.

What?

Did I hear that right? Am I understanding the English language?

Let me get this straight. I can injure myself - and I can be totally responsible for that injury - and someone else is responsible for giving me a bunch of money for it? Urk. Boggle. Ranking Full Stop.

Now, we're not talking about some vague legal theory where, for example, a gun manufacturer is somehow responsible for me deciding to go on a rampage with it. No. We're talking about something that is ABSOLUTELY not anyone else's fault - but they have to pay anyway. I take a hammer and smash my damned thumb with it. Then I sue the city. Or my neighbor. Or my church. Of anyone else who ticked me off that day. And they gotta pay.

And lawyers wonder why we freaking hate them. You know what, lawyers? For all of you who do good things, defend the downtrodden and stand up for liberties and all that - sorry. The majority of you are just crooks. Evil people. Scum, slime, nasty and not worthy of being called 'human'. Now I'll prolly be sued. Sigh.

Then we go back to the news - they are showing a smashed-up race car. Well, NASCAR is big here in North Carolina, you know.

But, you know who crashed the race car? Governor Mike Easley, that's who. Back in 2003. Why were they showing it on TV? Well, they're going to let him take another whack at it. He's going to climb into a $100,000 NASCAR race car and race around the track in another publicity stunt at speeds reaching 185 mph. Well, hell. If he crashes, maybe he can sue somebody. Even if he does it on purpose.

I am afraid to go to work today. I think the aliens are landing. If they do, I'm gonna sue them.

The treasure is buried under the giant "W".

Sue This,

Wiggy