Those Crooked, Crooked, Soda Vending Machines

Who knew I'd have another rant ready to go in such short order? Normally, I exhaust myself on a good rant and I'm unable to continue for a few days, maybe a week. I wear myself out on my rant, I break myself against it, and when I'm done, there's nothing left. I have to recharge.

But here we go again. I no sooner vent my spleen on the vicious, horrible, coffeemakers from hell, than I find myself up against those obeliskoid plunderers that we call Soda Vending Machines.

Now, I should say straight away that I am in favor of soda vending machines. I am a soda vending machine fan! And unlike coffeemakers, soda vending machines have not reached the pinnacle of mechanical perfection as yet. They still must be made more reliable, more unjammable, more capable of rejecting Canadian coins (I don't care what anybody says, that stuff is not money!). They must be made to resist efforts to steal them or the products inside them, and these challenges are continually being met by engineers of great intellect and capacity. All good.

However, there is a problem, and upon this problem I hang today's rant...

When I was a kid, there was a soda vending machine (I still don't call it 'pop') outside of the gas station next door to my house in San Jose, Illinois (population: 400). Soda was a dime, and it was dispensed in returnable bottles with non-twist-off caps. You were supposed to hang around long enough to drink the soda and place the bottle in a wooden crate placed next to the machine. And soda came in 10 or 12-ounce glass bottles, not 18, 24, or 44 ounce bladder busters.

These machines were unreliable. They did not take paper money. They often jammed, especially when fed Canadian coins (that stuff is not money). Sometimes you'd press the button for your choice of soda and the machine would grunt and grind and nothing would come out - argh!

But they did have one good feature. It was called an 'Sold Out' light.

Here's how it worked: if a particular soda choice was not available, a light would come on next to the button for that soda. Huh. Seems simple enough. And you knew before you deposited your money that your selection would not be available. You could decide to select another choice, or you could put your money back in your pocket. But at least you knew.

This system was not without problems! Sometimes the 'Sold Out' light would be burned out - you would not know until you had already deposited your coins that you could not get your selection. You pressed the button and nothing happened, or a small backlit message would come on saying something like "Try Another Selection." Worse, sometimes the machine would try to give you your selection - you could hear the gears and wheels turning inside the machine - but there was nothing to deliver, and that's what you would receive - nothing. But by and large, the system worked. It needed improvement, but it worked.

Which brings us to today.

Soda Vending machines are very sophisticated today. They do a much better job of handling money - even paper money! They don't just jam when presented with Canadian coins (that stuff is not money). They are seldom confused about which selections they have and which they are out of. Some of them even play music or talk. I'm surprised they don't have one yet that gets up and follows you around, playing the company jingle. Or one that kicks the crap out of competing-brand soda vending machines, Battle-Bot style (by the way, that would be cool).

But do they have a 'Sold Out' light? They do not! Where did it go? Why did it get excised instead of upgraded? How come we can't know if there is a soda of our choice lurking inside the opaque innards of the machine?

The answer, my friends, is marketing. The bean counters have gotten ahold of the engineers, and greed has triumphed over ingenuity yet again.

Sure, it would be child's play for soda machine engineers to design and build a modern soda machine that indicated BEFORE YOU PUT YOUR MONEY IN which selections are available and which are not. Folks, this is not rocket science!

Instead, what happens? You know what happens.

You approach the machine. It merrily advertises things it may or may not have lurking inside. You put in your money. When the proper amount is deposited, you can make your selection. You push the button for your favorite brand of soda.

Sometimes, you get your soda. The promise is fulfilled. Refreshment is achieved. Ever buddy is happy. Life is good. You hear the rush of angel wings overhead. Oh, wait, that's the 'Cream Cheese Lite' TV commercial. Never mind that last bit.

But sometimes, the selection you want is sold out. Not available. Missing in action. You mash the button - nothing happens. You mash it harder - still nothing. Then you notice the small LCD screen next to the coin slot. It commands you to "Make Another Selection" in the computer equivalent of stentorian tones. It is not a question, it is not a suggestion, it is an order! You make another selection, you stupid human! Make it now! Now, now, now! Buy something! Do it now!

Those of you who know me...know that this pisses me off. And for a multitude of reasons. Which I'll enumerate, in excrutiating detail. Sad is the world.

First, I don't like being told what to do. Especially not by a machine. It incites me to riot.

Second, I don't WANT another selection. I want MY friggin' selection, that's why I friggin' selected it! MORONS!

Once upon a time, I was a smoker. Yes, I was addicted to a particular brand and type of cigarette. No other type or brand of cigarette would do. If I went into a gas station to buy a pack of smokes, and they were out of mine, I'd walk out and go somewhere else. I would not purchase a different brand - not even a different SIZE for crap's sake. I want what I want - nothing else. You're probably that way, too.

Imagine if I walked into a convenience store and asked for a pack of XYZ smokes. First of all, the clerk rings me up and takes my cash BEFORE he will tell me if they have my brand in stock. Then, the clerk tells me that they're out of XYZ and tells me to buy ABC smokes instead. "Make another selection!" he shouts at me. "Do it now! Now, now, now!" I can pretty much promise you that clerk would never have to worry about offspring. Or having eyeballs. Or teeth. Get me? That's how much I like being ordered around.

Third, the soda vending machines don't give you your money back if you press the 'Coin Return' button. Oh, it will give you your money back eventually. If you mash the button several times and then wait, arms crossed and angry as hell, until it s.l.o.w.l.y. craps out each little quarter, as if it were checking them for silver content before regurgitating them. Like it hurt to give them up. And then, finally, you get your money back.

And you know what really hurts? This is programmed behavior, my little malchicks. These machines do not have to do this - every aspect of it is programmed. The requirement for you to mash the 'Coin Return' button over and over again - that's in the firmware for the machine. I tried it - mash the button once, wait, and nothing happens. Mash it a second time, and wait about thirty seconds, and it spits out a quarter. Ten seconds later, it drops another. Then the rest. But you have to hit the 'Coin Return' button TWICE or it will not work at all!

And this is crookery. Theft by deception. Outright highway robbery. The vending machine company has grabbed your money by enticing you with a product it DOES NOT HAVE, then it demands that you take something else instead. If you insist that it return your money, it does not do so, until you get impatient and mash the button a second or third time.

And it gets worse! If you walk away after mashing the 'coin return' button only once, it waits a few minutes, and then it devours the money AND the credit for the soda it had previously displayed on the screen. It keeps your money and the product. You've been Nixoned!

So, here are my demands:

1) I want a frickin' 'SOLD OUT' light, dammit! If your soda vending machine is out of a particular brand, TELL US ABOUT IT!

2) If I happen to change my mind, I WANT A FRICKIN' REFUND the FIRST time I mash the 'Coin Return' button! To do elsewise is dishonest at best, illegal at worst.

Now, how hard is that? Simple, right? But I'll bet the soda machine vending machine companies won't do it. Why? Because they are crooks. My opinion.

Best,

Wigwam Jones